When I was a child, I always prided myself on keeping my promises. While eating was the one thing I could control day in and day out, I still had the occasional opportunity to make a promise – and keep it.
On Sunday, I made a promise. And while I don’t want to keep it at this moment, I still hold to that childhood pride of never breaking a promise.
I swore to you that I would take a picture of everything I put in my mouth. The two times I haven’t been able to, it was because I didn’t have my camera with me and because of weird disappearing pictures. (I took the picture; it’s just not on my memory card…)
But there is something I didn’t take a picture of, and it’s not because of technical difficulties.
I’m a binge eater. I don’t say that as an excuse so much as a preface that I hope will help you to understand.
You see, when I talk about my binge eating experiences, it’s always my fear that people won’t stand the utter loss of control when it comes to a binge.
When I was making brownies last night, I binged. I binged not in terms of size but in terms of the lack of control. I made the brownies… and lost control. My logical mind knew I didn’t actually want the brownies, I couldn’t stop myself from licking the spatula. From eating not one, but two spoonfuls of brownie mix.
Two spoonfuls of brownie mix, not huge in size but huge in the amount of guilt it gives me. Huge in how I am reminded that my binge eating rises from emotional issues that won’t just go away if I don’t deal with them. Huge in reminding me that I have come a long way, but I have a long way to go.
Now that I’ve typed it, I’m not sure why I was feeling so afraid of typing this here. It’s all part of the journey, after all, and the emotional blow it has dealt me won’t be forgotten anytime soon.
I know you’re disappointed, but it’s truly not the end of the world. You start fresh and let the rest go. Maybe you figure out a way to prevent or avoid a similar experience in the future. Maybe you accept that life just deals us those hands sometimes. Either way, you move forward. You CAN move forward.
For me, just the act of taking the picture is enough, not the sharing of it. I can look back at the end of the day and see what I’ve done. Since I’m my own worst critic, I try to avoid giving myself the opportunity.
I’m not sure that binge eating ever leaves us. It never fails that after a great week of water drinking, calorie counting, and exercise, I get this panicky feeling and then eat everything I can get my hands on.
Nothing to be afraid of! When you’ve been a sneaky eater all your life, like I have, it takes time to establish trust within yourself… We will slip up from time to time. I am fascinated with the food pictures and can’t wait to start. Lately I haven’t been sneaking food much, but I’ve been eating huge portions. It’s all a process. Don’t stop doing this… Sure, it may make you feel uncomfortable at times, but that certainly means that you need to do it.
Hello ladies. Thank you for stopping by and for your support. It was a shock in the beginning and emotionally traumatic, but I’m ‘recovered’ now. Bad eating habits don’t die over night, and we take one step at time.
Cammy – I’m not sure about loading the pictures here every day, but I will continue taking pictures. It has helped me so much!
Jenera – Yes, it is a feeling of panic. I wish there was more literature on binge eating disorder. I can’t find anything here.
Hanlie – I can’t wait to read what you take away from the experience.