When 451Press, and my blog on their network, went down the crapper, I decided to carry on with a new website. My own website where only I (and the server) would be responsible for it.
I picked the name ‘Naturally Curvy’ for the new site because I wanted it to be about me learning to love myself and my curves as well as learning to create and maintain a healthy lifestyle. I accept that I will never be – and do not want to be – a toothpick woman. I have hips meant for bearing children, the shoulders of a farmer’s daughter and big ol’ boobs that I love.
But I seem to have missed that message, that original intent I had for this site. I continued on focusing on the scale and doing what I could to get rid of these damned pounds. At one point, I lost weight so fast that my gallbladder had to be removed.
Then we moved. I gained weight. And, despite an increase in exercise and decrease in eating, I can’t seem to get it off.
And I’m left wondering if it’s some divine justice.
I’ve realised lately that I have a lot of anger when it comes to weight loss and body image. I have so much anger bottled up inside and I don’t know what to do with it. I mentioned therapy as a possibility to help me lose weight. But is that missing the point? Is that really going to do any good when all I really want is body acceptance?
I’m not healthy at this weight, I know. The Bloke and I won’t have kids until I lose most of it. And yet… I want to be able to have kids now (not to have them, but be able to have them). I don’t want the weight to be the deciding factor. I want to feel like people love me as I am now (and many do, I’m not saying they don’t, but I don’t always feel it). Part of me is so angry because things depend on me losing weight, while I feel like weight loss won’t be natural if things depend on it.
If that makes any sense.
What would you do to start loving yourself and accepting your curves? Would you throw out the scale? Would you try other things to love yourself while still trying to lose the weight? Would you call a hold on losing the weight until you get the rest sorted out?
I don’t know what to do.
Oh boy, I know how you feel right now. I like to think I’m okay with my big body as long as I’m able to do the things I want. But one of those things is being able to wear cute shorts and shirts without jiggling or hanging out. So I’m in this bad spot about hating my body which flows over into other areas of my life.
I am making different changes to try and lose the weight yet I don’t get on the scale. I focus on how my clothes are fitting and how I’m feeling. I am focusing on the emotional eating and hopefully it will all fall into place.
I’m considering totally abandoning the scale. It’s only pissing me off right now, and my clothes being loose always gives me a better sense of accomplishment anyway.
I really am going to write about this in the next few days. I know how you feel!
*hugs* Thank you. I always enjoy reading your thoughts.