Start: 277
Current: 272
Loss: 5 pounds
(No change)
The revelations keep happening this week, and I only wish my weight could reflect that. I feel like things are being lifted from me as I discover, and that is a beautiful feeling.
Okay, I’ll back up.
Having realised last week just how much fear rules my life, I have begun to notice and nullify my anxiety. I recognise the fear, assess it and often am able to get rid of it just like that. Beautiful, eh?
However, as anxiety goes, people who are used to high levels of stress will often find ways to stress themselves if the environment does not present stressful situations. But the more I acknowledge and assess, the more general the fears get because all the specific situations are being taken care of.
The night before last I found myself having a hard time getting to sleep and I suddenly felt an incredible fear about the next day. Seriously, it was so general that it was, “Oh God, tomorrow is an entirely new day I have to face.”
While I’m sure that is a legitimate fear for other people, I laughed. My mind was so utterly desperate for something to be scared about that it noted I was about to go to sleep and thus the sun would come up tomorrow.
The horror.
I am laughing about it now, but that’s only because I see what my mind is doing. My brain, my psyche, my soul doesn’t know how to exist without stress and fear. To be without them is to be letting my guard down and opening myself to threat. But that’s just not true and I don’t want to live my life like that. I want to be able to have that one day – even if it’s only one day – without fear.
The unfortunate side with all this awareness and assessment is that the things my subconscious is throwing at me are not always as funny as being afraid of facing a new day. I repeatedly almost had meltdowns at the shops yesterday because I was buying myself things (I still have a hard time spending money on myself, but I’m getting past that) and I was feeling tempted by sweets. But those meltdowns were being caused by feelings that were so old that I thought I had dealt with.
Lo and behold, my subconscious is willing to throw anything at me to get me back to where I was.
But I am not bloody going back. I won’t do it. I am here. I am being healthy, I am getting healthy. In mind, body and spirit.
Let’s just hope that my subconscious doesn’t have any really big rocks to throw at me.
I’m proud as punch of my man, but that’s thrown us into interesting waters again.