At the heart of it, my change of direction is not only for my immediate health but to answer the big question in my life:
Why don’t I want to lose weight?
This may seem like an odd question coming from someone who has been trying (and losing, and gaining back) weight for so long, but it’s the question that has been bothering me for a long time now. I can lose weight. I know how to and I know what to do. But what keeps me from doing it?
Why do I, instead of ‘falling off the wagon’ and getting back on, fall off the wagon and roll around into the mud while trying to dig myself such a deep hole that it’ll suck the entire wagon inside, never to be ‘gotten back on’ again?
As much as I try and succeed, there is a part of me that wants to pad itself with weight and never see the light of day again.
I have gotten past all the anger and shame to do with the question, leaving it more of a matter of curiosity than anything.
I’m sure it has to do with control; I don’t want anything being taken away from me. I am also on a journey to learning to self-soothe without food, which is a biggie because food was the only thing I could depend on for most of my early life.
With those kind of things standing in my psychology, I’m attempting to be patient with myself.
Did I mention patience isn’t my virtue?
