When 451Press, and my blog on their network, went down the crapper, I decided to carry on with a new website. My own website where only I (and the server) would be responsible for it.
I picked the name ‘Naturally Curvy’ for the new site because I wanted it to be about me learning to love myself and my curves as well as learning to create and maintain a healthy lifestyle. I accept that I will never be – and do not want to be – a toothpick woman. I have hips meant for bearing children, the shoulders of a farmer’s daughter and big ol’ boobs that I love.
But I seem to have missed that message, that original intent I had for this site. I continued on focusing on the scale and doing what I could to get rid of these damned pounds. At one point, I lost weight so fast that my gallbladder had to be removed.
Then we moved. I gained weight. And, despite an increase in exercise and decrease in eating, I can’t seem to get it off.
And I’m left wondering if it’s some divine justice.
I’ve realised lately that I have a lot of anger when it comes to weight loss and body image. I have so much anger bottled up inside and I don’t know what to do with it. I mentioned therapy as a possibility to help me lose weight. But is that missing the point? Is that really going to do any good when all I really want is body acceptance?
I’m not healthy at this weight, I know. The Bloke and I won’t have kids until I lose most of it. And yet… I want to be able to have kids now (not to have them, but be able to have them). I don’t want the weight to be the deciding factor. I want to feel like people love me as I am now (and many do, I’m not saying they don’t, but I don’t always feel it). Part of me is so angry because things depend on me losing weight, while I feel like weight loss won’t be natural if things depend on it.
If that makes any sense.
What would you do to start loving yourself and accepting your curves? Would you throw out the scale? Would you try other things to love yourself while still trying to lose the weight? Would you call a hold on losing the weight until you get the rest sorted out?
I don’t know what to do.
For so long, I have been unable to get healthy for me. It’s a sad thing, but not even vanity could get me to lose weight. I always had to be doing it for someone else.
