SW: 256
LW: 250
CW: 250

The scale was playing funnybuggers with me and I could be at 249 or even 248 (I don’t have a digital scale) but I’m going to avoid all that nonsense and say no weight change from last week. That’s okay, though, because there has been so much going on, it’s only my first week back on the strict phase of the diet and I’m just happy with whatever steps I’m making towards the positive.

This Wednesday is my appointment. I’m nervous and excited all at the same time. I know they’ll take good care of me.

I’m not looking forward to the inevitable PAP smear and the ultrasound of my lady parts (I’m not sure that’s going to happen, but the nurse who made my appointment said they’d probably repeat that as it was done five or so years ago) and the other ‘invasions’, but it’s all worth it in the end.

I still have headaches happening, which I’m concerned about, but the calcium plus magnesium tablets are still keeping them from reaching the point of me not being able to work. I’m very grateful for that. I’m nervous about what they’ll say or need to test to figure out what’s going on there.

And, in the midst of it all, I’m craving butter like mad. I’m not eating it, mind you, but I have been known to cook my veggies with a little butter in the past few weeks. It’s really weird.

I’m definitely eager to start sorting it all out. And you can bet I’m going to be talking about it all here after the appointment.

How is everyone else doing?

A new week and a new crack at things!

SW: 256
LW: 250
CW: 250

I was talking to my husband about my weight loss frustrations and he suggested that I think about the times when I was losing weight and go back to doing that. Well, that last time I was losing weight was when I was on the strictest phase of the diet my naturopath put me on.

I did it for six weeks last time and could have done it longer; I remember thinking that before she ‘loosened’ the diet rules.

I have decided to ‘rededicate’ myself to the stricter phase of the diet. This time, instead of six weeks, I’ll be doing it for twelve. Starting today, that means I’ll be on it until (at least) February 10th, 2009. Twelve weeks after that just happens to be my second wedding anniversary.

At this point, I don’t really have any weight loss goals in terms of numbers. I’m going for fifty pounds to lose, of course, but right now I want to concentrate on getting back on schedule, back on the do/don’t list for food and just back in the groove of really getting healthy.

Next week I have my first appointment to start addressing my hormone and weight issues. I’m quite excited about getting things taken care of because everything is so tied together – hormones, weight, fertility, etc. Start working on one and you start working on them all.

I feel like a bit of a broken record – catching my breath, slowing down, catching my breath again to start again… But I’m not giving up. That’s what I’m concentrating on: refusal to give up.

After however many years I’ve been doing this weight loss journey, I have come to know my body quite well. (As I should.) One thing my body has a habit of doing is loving a new diet switch… and then just stopping.

I’m under no illusions – sometimes the ‘just stopping’ is completely my fault. I fall off the wagon, whatever. But it often just… stops. It’s come to the point where it’s stressing me out to weigh in because I’ve stopped losing, plateaued a bit, and have since gained again. I feel like someone looks at me the wrong way and I gain weight.

I guess it comes down to that I feel like if I weigh in here having gained, it, for one, makes it real. But I also feel like I’m disappointing the people who read here. It stresses me out to think that people who have seen me do so well might not be so happy to see me gain.

I know it’s a bunch of bullocks, but it does stress me.

I desperately want to be successful and inspire other people to succeed, but I can’t help feeling like it’s not meant to be. Maybe when I find a gyno and get the hormone problems hindering me sorted out, I’ll start losing again. I still hold that going to the naturopath was the best thing I could have done, but it’s just not seeming like enough at the moment.

But, I can’t let what I think *might* happen stop me from doing things.

So, here’s to getting past mental and emotional barriers.

I’m back at 250. I’m disappointed, but it’s not the end of the world. I can and I will do this. I just need to keep going. PCOS, hormones, metabolism, whatever – I refuse to believe that there isn’t some way out there that can help me lose the weight and keep it off.

What an eventful few days. Where to start…

Well, I’ll start with the fact it’s actually a holiday weekend here. On Tuesday we have ‘the race that stops the nation’ which is a horse race like no other. People across Australia party, bet on horses and otherwise have a lot of fun. Most of the people in Victoria get Tuesday off.

My husband surprised me by taking Monday off, so we whisked away to western Australia for a mini-vacation of sorts. It was one of those trips where you don’t have a timeline and just go wherever you feel like. We ended up in a nice small town and met some interesting people.

The weekend was a bit emotional, however, because I haven’t been feeling my best. About two weeks ago I started on with a headache. Later on came a bit of tiredness, nausea, soreness and other sorts of fun things. We can to wonder – despite the near impossibility of it – if perhaps I was pregnant.

Maybe it’s silly or stupid for me to think that I could possibly get pregnant with all of the health issues I have going on right now, but I did believe in that chance and took a test. It was negative, as I knew it had to be, but I was still upset. Naturally.

However, if I think about it rationally – though being rational isn’t my strong suit today – I remind myself that my body is certainly not as healthy as it should be for a normal pregnancy. I am reminded that there are still issues I need to deal with because I wanted to turn to food for comfort. I didn’t, but the want was still there.

And so, this week I take off from weighing in and Monday Mailbag. I need the break. I need to get back to the stricter diet my naturopath worked out, need to make an appointment with a gynecologist and I need to get started on my new elliptical…

Another Monday…

SW: 256
LW: 246
CW: 246

No change again, but I should be happy, right? Right.

Because of an unexpected big bill, we weren’t able to get the elliptical on the weekend. That was a bit disappointing, but given I’m just bouncing back from a bit of under the weather time, I suppose I should consider it a sign. (Yeah, I totally would have been on there kicking my arse this morning despite being in the ‘still recovering’ phase.)

I’m hoping for this upcoming weekend to be the one, but since I’ve been prattling on about it for so many weeks now, I’m just going to shut up about it and let you know when it happens.

I’m getting my physical life back on track in other ways now. I’m starting back up on the vitamins and supplements the naturopath gave me. (I was on them, got sick, went off them, went on vacation…) I don’t think she’ll be happy that it took so long for me to get back on them, but hopefully I’ll be able to show some weight loss by the next appointment. (I have about five pounds to go before the next appointment if I want to break even with the last appointment.)

I’m hoping that getting back on the stuff she gave me, keeping up with water, and adding in the elliptical to my exercise will help me see some improvement over the next couple of weeks.

My womanly ways still aren’t back in action, unfortunately. I was hoping they would be by now because that’s a huge health factor standing in the way of having a baby.

I must be patient…