Archive for the Category » Mental Health «

May
04

Sometimes I Surprise Myself

I don’t love myself. That should be obvious to some people who look at me, but if many of the people who knew me knew I don’t love myself, they’d ask me what I was on about.

Oh, I think I’m a good person. I have the potential to do great things and I can be very good at making other people happy. I’ve finally learned to accept that a lot of people genuinely like me – for me! (Gobsmacking moment, that one.) Yet those things don’t make me love me.

But I do care about me. At least, a smidge.

I don’t consider myself to be a brave or strong person (no matter how much The Bloke goes on to other people about how much I am), but I do find that I surprise myself sometimes when I am tested. The latest surprise is that, even when I’m in a bad place, I do care about me. I do want me to feel better. I’m finally moving away from the belief that my misery is some great justice of the universe for the bad things I’ve done.

Last night, I had a panic attack. One that started in public. Thanks to a childhood of compartmentalizing emotions, I was able to get to a more private place before the tears started running, but it was close. And it was the worst – only, really – panic attack I have had for a long time with rocking back and forth, tears, straining for breath and a sense that everything was out of control.

Yet, even in all the chaos, I knew what I needed to do. I knew what needed to be adjusted so that I would prevent further panic attacks. Instead of wallowing in ‘the embarrassment of it all’ or feeling like I was some sort of leech on my husband, I knew that this was all part and parcel – something to be expected with the way I have been trying to swallow down emotions lately. The more I have been pushing down, the more I have been pushing myself into the past with reactions I’ve had in the past (like panic attacks).

Today I got outside (big step one, as I’ve been becoming a bit of a recluse), checked some things of my to do list (that I’ve been avoiding), went shopping for some things to make our wedding anniversary (which I haven’t felt worthy to celebrate) tomorrow special, and got myself some St. John’s Wort to help steady out my moods. Instead of wallowing, I cared enough to do things I needed to do to help myself feel better.

This may seem like such a silly thing to some people, but when you’ve lived your life not feeling worthy of rolling in the dirt people tread on, just taking care of yourself is a huge thing. And I’ve done it. One more thing to be proud of.

Category: Checking In, Mental Health  2 Comments
Apr
30

Recovery Mode

Since moving to Australia and moving on with my life, I’ve noticed a natural ebb and flow to everything – including my depression. Today is finally the first day of working my way back up the wave.

I’m heavier than I’ve ever been, feeling more lost than I ever have and have been having a sucktastic time with work to book. But just when things were getting to the worst part…

…I had the strength to tell The Bloke I was in trouble and what I needed.
…My books arrived. EFT (which is amazing and works) for Weight Loss by Gary Craig and The Binge Eating & Compulsive Overeating Workbook by Carolyn Coker Ross.
…I had a big breakthrough: I want children, but I could live a long, happy life without having them.

Those three things finally got me through the roughest patch and I’m looking upward again. I’ve been here plenty of times before and maybe I’ll be here again, but damn if I’m not a bloody determined sheila when it comes to dusting myself off and trying again.

And if nothing else, I have that to be proud of and hang on to.

So here we go again… ;)

Category: Checking In, Mental Health  2 Comments
Apr
20

Walkabout 1

These shoes were made for walking…

Thought it turned out to be not quite the walkabout I had envisioned for myself thanks to a few work things, I did manage to stick to my plan and get out and about on Monday. I walked all afternoon!

While I am all for the walkabout with no particular direction, destination or path, I was very pleased to find out that there is a trail that goes straight through town. This trail is over 17kms long, goes both north and south of where I live and the trail goes right by the house.

I don’t think it gets much better. But then again, it did.

I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect autumn day with sunshine, cool breezes and plenty of wonderful autumn colours to see.

Once I’d been on the path for a while, most of the traffic and industrial sounds disappeared. All the pleasant memories of travel around Australia came washing back with the sounds and even smells of bush Australia. Though it wasn’t quite bush, even after a few ks of walking, it was close enough for me. I haven’t felt so good in such a long time.

I meant to stick with the ‘no destination’ attitude, but once I caught sight of ‘botanical gardens’ on a directional sign, I knew exactly where I wanted (maybe even needed) to go. I absolutely adore botanical gardens, and though I was hot, sweaty and tired by the time I’d gotten there, it was so worth it…

It was so beautiful. I could have stayed there all afternoon. As it was, I sat down for a lunch of an apple and carrots with hummus, enjoyed the laughter of the kids playing in the playground at the gardens and wrote for a while. I honestly did debate staying there for the afternoon, but something in me wanted to make it there and back on my own. I knew I’d have wanderings that would just keep going in the future, but my adventure for this day wouldn’t be complete without making it back.

All up, I walked over 7kms (thanks in part to a rest at the lake before meeting up with the Bloke for our usual evening walk with Brin). I know it was about everything but distance, but I still wanted to see. And that’s not too shabby for a woman who is in the worst shape of her life. Not too shabby at all.

Category: Exercise, Mental Health  4 Comments
Apr
17

Wanderlust

Something I am always grateful for is my understanding husband.

I confessed to The Bloke last night that I’m just not doing well mentally and emotionally right now. I’ve toughed it through and not said a word for this past week because he’s been ill, but it’s been hard hanging on. I feel so lost in life. I have no idea who I am or where I’m going. Oh, I have ideas about who I would like to be and where I would like to go (which is a start), but I’m still largely… lost.

He frowned a bit and took a deep breath before saying, “I am in no way criticizing your choices or our choices, but your feelings aren’t…uncommon for someone who went from home to marriage. Only many women get to forty and divorce before they see that they don’t know who they are.”

Smiling, I took the strange compliment he’d intended and thought about what he’d said. While we certainly didn’t get married in a hurry or anything like that, I still did go from living with my parents to living with the man who became my husband. I had a school year of living at university, but that wasn’t exactly prime living experience. For a period of about a year, I even had access to my aunt’s apartment to use as I pleased…but I didn’t actually live there.

I don’t regret my choices in the least way, but I do accept what they have done to who I am now. Now I just have to figure out how to fix it.

I’ve decided on a number of trips – small at first because of my finances, my health (or lack thereof) and my work commitments. I won’t be going to Europe or even staying overnight anywhere (at least, at first), but I will be doing the closest thing to backpacking that I have ever done.

Sunday nights I will pack my back and Monday mornings I will set off on my next adventure. One day a week will be free of what has become the majority of my life: the computer. I will leave the house and walk. Walk, wander, explore, take pictures and get lost, only to pinpoint where I am on GPS so The Bloke can drive by and pick me up.

Any hardened backpacker will probably tell me that’s pathetic. A phone and a pick up each night? But I don’t care. It’s a first step that will hopefully culminate not only in better mental and emotional health but also in better physical health and a greater appreciation for the world.

The thought of getting up one day and just walking… The thought is like a hot bath at the end of a stressful day for my mind. I calm and I look forward to it just thinking about it. I won’t get very far at first, but distance isn’t the point. I will have a whole day to be by myself, to stay in the quiet of my head. I will only need to exist rather than deal, stress, and everything else involved in a day.

I’m so tired of wasting my life. When I reach that quarter century mark for my life in August, I want to feel like I’m truly doing something.

Category: Mental Health  2 Comments
Apr
14

A Helping Hand

The big question on my mind this week has been one of help. Do I need professional help?

It’s more obvious than ever that my weight and my eating stem from emotions and abuses from an early age. While my mental adulthood has stuck strong, it has only helped me to see these issues for what they are instead of swimming in the denial that I have found so easy and comforting for the majority of my life.

Professional help – psychiatric help – has been on my mind on occasion for years now. But never has it been so apparent that things need to change on a dramatic level. The reason I seem unable to lose weight and keep it off, to stop binging, to stop disordered eating is because my weight is tied to something so ingrained in my being that I can’t even get to the cause of it.

For the moment, I am not yet ready to go to a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist/etc on a few levels. There are a few books I want to read, some workbooks I want to use to at least try to get an understanding of things on my own. Losing Your Pounds of Pain by Doreen Virtue started me on the correct path and now I’m ready to walk those next steps.

I’m also contemplating a few… ‘projects’ that will encourage me to get past the sting of opening old wounds and helping them to heal properly. I’ll talk more about them when I get closer to doing them

Somehow, I think the fact that I’m not getting all excited about things (like I usually do) means I’m doing the right thing. This isn’t a fun new project to be dropped when I get bored or it gets to hard. This is the first step of a life journey that I didn’t expect.

But if I’m going to get anywhere near the woman I know I can be, then I’m going to have to harden up and do this.

Category: Mental Health  2 Comments
« Previous Entries
Next Entries »