Archive for the Category »Mental Health «

It’s a Lifestyle

After thinking long and hard about what works for me when it comes to keeping a healthier life, I realised that one of the things I needed to change was my approach.

As much as I always told myself that every start was my step towards a healthier life, I never considered the step itself to be part of the life. The diet to get to the better life, right? Well, that’s wrong. And it’s finally gotten through to my squishy brain.

You see, I started meal replacements combined with cutting down sweets and carbs along with cutting down portion sizes and adding in exercise. While this sounds like heaps, it’s actually not. I’m taking it tippy toe style, and it’s making a difference.

You see, when you see the changes you make as lifestyle changes (forever changes) rather than temporary (diet) changes, things look a lot better.

When you make it a lifestyle progression:

*A ‘screw up’ isn’t that bad because it’s a blip on the radar that’s going to be going for years to come.
*A ‘screw up’ becomes an opportunity to do things better next time because a lifestyle doesn’t have the pass/fail mentality that a diet does.
*Small losses are not ‘I’m just glad I didn’t gain’, they become incredibly awesome. When you’re on a diet you want to lose weight fast because, underneath it all, there is a ‘how much longer do I have to do this’ feeling. When it’s your lifestyle, it’ll be forever, so any loss is simply a positive.
*When you’re planning for a better lifestyle, you learn to find what works rather than what will get you through.

It’s taken me a long time to finally get to the point where I can view the healthy changes I’m making as forever changes. I’m still a little new to the concept and am finding my footing so I don’t a) slip back into diet mentality or b) use it as an excuse to indulge.

Even though I’ve lost a small amount so far, I know this is the way to go. Not just because I’ve lost weight but because my mood hasn’t been this good for a long time.

Slowly but surely.

Checking In – The Benefits of House Arrest

This past week and some has certainly been quite the emotional time for me, both in good and bad ways. Between the revelations from the photo project and the emotional trauma of having to confess a binge to my husband, I’m left feeling a little raw.

I declared ‘house arrest’ on myself – just for today – because I know there are only healthy things for me to eat. As Jenera said, you do so well for an amount of time, and then (if you are a binge eater) this feeling of panic overwhelms you to the point you stop thinking and want to eat everything you can get your hands on. Having healthy food – and only healthy food – at least negates eating too much of the nasty stuff.

‘House arrest’ is probably not the best thing to call it, but I’m basically not going anywhere I may be tempted by less healthy food.

I was upset that I had to do this for myself at first, but as The Bloke stated, at least I am recognizing the need and avoiding temptations.

I’m finding that I’m becoming increasingly frustrated with the lack of books and papers on binge eating disorder. I feel like if I could understand more about the disorder, I could better handle what I go through.

I know it has only somewhat recently been recognized as a mental illness, but surely there should be something. At least one book out there that could help me understand.

If anyone has any recommended reading on the subject, please let me know.

Live and Learn

Last week I decided I would take pictures of all the food I ate in order to see how it influenced me. Would I eat less? Would I eat healthier foods? So on and so forth.

While things didn’t go as planned when my binge demons came out to play, I did learn a lot from this project…

What I Learned:

*I do a lot more mindless eating than I thought. I need to stop multitasking and focusing on my food when I eat.
*Starting the day off with a smoothie? Awesomeness.
*When I was taking pictures, I cared what my food looked like. When I cared what my food looked like, I found it more pleasing aesthetically as well as found it tasted better. I need to care about my food no matter who is or isn’t watching.
*Giving up addictions (like sugar) takes time. You can’t go from all to zero suddenly or you will binge. Not to mention experience other physical unpleasantness.
*Spinach leaves are incredibly versatile.

*Finally, I learned that the most impressive thing for me with this project is what I didn’t eat:

*Glass of orange juice x2
*Piece of bread w/hommus
*Chai latte
*Cottage cheese spoonfull (number of occasions)
*Doughnut (had a bad day and wanted sugar)
*Kahlua and milk
*Alcoholic cider
*Chips (french fries)
*Crisps (potato chips)

*and probably a few other things I didn’t list but they passed through my mind and then quickly out when I saw my camera.

And…

*I didn’t overeat when I easily could have.

All in all, I think every person trying to live a healthier lifestyle should try doing this. Has it cured my binge eating? No. For the moment, but I’m no dummy. I have emotional issues to work out. But it has gotten me to think about food – and portions differently. It’s gotten me to think about how much I not only hide from other people but from myself. It has gotten me to realise that, while I thought I was ‘doing okay’ diet-wise, I actually have a lot of room to improve with healthy eating.

I do hope that everyone who reads this has tried it, is trying it or will try it. I may have had a crash and burn moment, but I’m going to keep on taking pictures (though not loading them too the site because I just don’t have time for that).

When it Goes Wrong

When I was a child, I always prided myself on keeping my promises. While eating was the one thing I could control day in and day out, I still had the occasional opportunity to make a promise – and keep it.

On Sunday, I made a promise. And while I don’t want to keep it at this moment, I still hold to that childhood pride of never breaking a promise.

I swore to you that I would take a picture of everything I put in my mouth. The two times I haven’t been able to, it was because I didn’t have my camera with me and because of weird disappearing pictures. (I took the picture; it’s just not on my memory card…)

But there is something I didn’t take a picture of, and it’s not because of technical difficulties.

I’m a binge eater. I don’t say that as an excuse so much as a preface that I hope will help you to understand.

You see, when I talk about my binge eating experiences, it’s always my fear that people won’t stand the utter loss of control when it comes to a binge.

When I was making brownies last night, I binged. I binged not in terms of size but in terms of the lack of control. I made the brownies… and lost control. My logical mind knew I didn’t actually want the brownies, I couldn’t stop myself from licking the spatula. From eating not one, but two spoonfuls of brownie mix.

Two spoonfuls of brownie mix, not huge in size but huge in the amount of guilt it gives me. Huge in how I am reminded that my binge eating rises from emotional issues that won’t just go away if I don’t deal with them. Huge in reminding me that I have come a long way, but I have a long way to go.

Now that I’ve typed it, I’m not sure why I was feeling so afraid of typing this here. It’s all part of the journey, after all, and the emotional blow it has dealt me won’t be forgotten anytime soon.

Checking In – Sorting Through the Muck

Before I settled down to write this post, I went to the kitchen to take the macadamia nuts out of the oven. I’m making honey-roasted nuts – yet again – because they are usually so time consuming that I don’t even have the sweets craving I’m after by the time I’m done making them, and with mostly honey and good fats (in the nuts) I can halfway convince myself they are an okay treat to have.

I walk into the kitchen and see a mug on the bench: instant soup waiting for the hot water to be poured in. I know instant soups have a heap of salt, so I only allow myself one when it’s really bloody cold (like today) and I have a lot of work to do (like today). The only thing is, for a moment, I don’t remember preparing it.

My memory quickly comes back to me, but that moment wakes me up to the fact that I would have been much better off standing in front of the heater for a few moments rather than drink a cup of vegetable-flavoured salt soup. I wasn’t hungry; I was cold. But I went for food. As always.

This week I decided to start a journal of sorts. I hate food journals and can never keep going with them, so I decided on a journal with a schedule and a ‘rough’ menu to go by. Then the rest of the page is for what I am thinking each night.

I’ve already had amazing epiphanies just being honest with myself, like how I work myself into paranoia about my relationship to self-sabotage when I’ve been doing well with healthy eating. Or how I use food as a ‘barrier’ against my depression.

Or like today with realising that I eat not only when I’m emotional but when I’m physically uncomfortable as well.

I don’t like these truths about myself, but I’m now seeing just how much the odds were stacked against me when I was trying to lose weight without facing the emotional and mental muck that goes along with it. I thought I was, but I didn’t want to get ‘dirty’.

Well, I’m done with ‘clean thinking’ and have found myself to be more ready than I thought for the muck. I’m not looking forward to what else I find, but wow, it feels amazing just to acknowledge myself – for better or worse.

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  • Stats

    Starting Weight: 264
    Goal Weight: 170

    1st Goal: 230 by Christmas 2010

    2nd Goal: 200 by 5/5/11 (Wedding Anniversary)

    3rd Goal: 170 by 10/8/11 (Next Birthday)

    Current Weight: 251

    27/8/10: 251
    30/8/10:
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