The most unfortunate thing about weight – for me – is that it’s easy to ignore. I grew up being overweight. This is my ‘normal’ mode. Sure, when I lost a bunch of weight and could do all sorts of fun things, that was amazing.

Of course, being back to where I am now, that is easy to ignore, too.

I’ve definitely been in ‘ignorance is bliss’ mode lately with ignoring how much I’ve been drinking (yay, depression!), justifying or just not paying attention to the occasional sweets and not giving myself pause when I had the urge to eat everything in the house.

But after so many months without a period, feeling the difficulties that come with being this weight and having other things happening that I talked about in the password protected post, I woke up this morning that I had to pop my little ignorance button and face the music.

Hello, new highest weight.

While I could argue that it has been fun not having to do all the things involved with taking care of myself, much more of it hasn’t been fun. Like shaving my legs (and having my belly to contend with), walking the dogs (and getting so easily tired), seeing my husband worry about me but not saying anything for risk of an emotional response from me…

It’s not good. It’s not fun.

I’m slowly killing myself.

The good news is that, at this point in my life, I have tried enough things to know what works. What are those things?

*Keeping a food diary.
*Going 100% or as close to 100% raw as I can.
*Exercising in the morning.

It’s a short list, but heck if it down’t make a big difference.

I’ve resisted the urge to ‘start with a clean slate’ (more on that later) and am merely dusting off my food diary and breaking out my exercise clothes. I’m working with someone who is helping me to find out what options I have locally in both exercise groups and someone who works with eating disorders.

I refuse to say what I always say in the past because that just leads me to feeling like I am in a pass/fail situation, which can only lead to stress.

My life is no longer about win/lose or pass/fail. My life is about doing. And what I’m doing at the moment is cleaning up my act.

Again.

Ah, the Big Sigh.

The Big Sigh is what I do when I know that things have to change, but I am not sure what to do to change them. This oh so glorious sigh comes with the knowledge that I love doing everything I’m doing, but I am certainly doing way too much.

I know by the number of unread blog posts in my feed reader, large gaps between posts on my blogs, the stress eating I want to do and the run down/cranky feeling I have most of the time that there is way too much happening here.

Usually my solution is to cut things, and that’s what I’ve done several times in the past. But when your answer is always to cut things, you usually end up with a handful of things you really, really like doing/participating in/etc.

Cutting it down from there? Ugh.

The problem is that I have things I want to add in but haven’t managed to do on a consistent basis. Like exercise, puppy training, preparing for whatever will come through the disability employment agency (which could include anything from doctor’s appointments to classes to joining a workout group).

Who would have thought that someone who spends so much time at home could end up feeling like there is so little time during the day.

The good news is that The Bloke is now in a position where he can leave his 9-5 to work from home. I know this means still keeping regular hours, but it’s fewer hours for more pay. Plus, it means setting up a new routine for the both of us that will include things like daily exercise and eating more meals together.

I know that this blog has taken some sort of hazy turn since I decided I wanted to refocus, but that’s because I’m a little hazy about where I am going. I want to live a less stressed life, but I’m still sorting out how to do that.

Stay tuned for clarity.

*EDIT: Rather than scrap this template, I’m just removing some of the pictures. Sigh.

I published my latest ebook. (On Amazon)

Poor Asimov got sick for a while but mother’s intuition helped me catch it early, so he didn’t have a lot of down time.

We welcomed Zenna into our family. She has been a big source of my time (well) spent. She’s a ridgeback crossed with a mastiff and, though she loves to learn, she needs a lot of training because she’s very independent.

Brin and Zenna get along very well, but they’re still trying to sort out their roles in our new family.

Phew. And there’s more…

I met with my ‘case worker’ for the first time last week and things are moving along very fast. As uneasy as I feel about how I would be in a work environment (without The Bloke there), my case worker seems confident that I have plenty to offer. He didn’t even bat an eye at my inability to work a job that has anything to do with phones.

One more reason I love Australia; they’re really helping me to become a functioning worker in society.

I also signed up for NaNoWriMo and will be getting started on the second, as of yet unnamed, Echo Falls novel.

And just when you think that there can’t be any more… I’ll also be on my online tour for Echo Falls through most of November and the first two weeks of December.

This is the point at which I keel over unconscious. I hit all this at the right time – a manic swing – so I am getting a lot done. But I feel the exhaustion looming and am trying to slow myself down rather than crash to a halt.

I’ve always been one for crashing… Haha.

In good news, despite all the busy, I’m feeling great. Things are going well, I feel well and truly settled in Bendigo and things are looking up for creating a well-rounded life.

Now if I could just remember to eat brekkie and lunch, that would be good…