I haven’t been blogging much here or anywhere else for that matter, but it’s only because I’ve been living a lot. With more appointments than ever (and more coming) to keep up with, I have been adjusting. I’m thinking that I’m finally settled in for the time being.

My husband and I are just back from a lovely trip into South Australia, and I feel like I have a new breath of air in my lungs. After what 2011 put me and The Bloke through, it was wonderful to be able to get away and enjoy.

The Bloke has been able to enjoy a lot of things lately, including a well deserved “I told you so.”

As I mentioned in Back to Square One, I bought a notebook to start tracking things again. Mainly, my food. The Bloke has suggested a food diary a few times now, only to be met with snarls from my end.

I hate keeping food diaries.

But I have been. And the results have been… enlightening.

As much as I hate the process, the food diary has helped me address a lot of key issues. The act of having a food diary has helped me with mindful eating. Just having to take the moment before I eat something has helped me to become aware of not only what I’m putting in my mouth but why I’m putting it in my mouth.

I also used to have a tendency to eat every meal like it was my last. Keeping the diary has taught me to look ahead a bit and get my mind used to regarding each meal as one of many to come. This, in turn, has helped me to eat smaller deals.

After I’d kept the diary for a week or so, I began to get curious about calories. It turns out that I’m doing a decent job, but there were some things that were hitting me for more calories than I realised. My favourite chai latte? Over 200 calories – and that’s just for a regular. That ‘every once in a while’ splurge for a fast food wrap? Over 500 calories and it’s not even that filling.

I must confess that I had gotten into a headspace of feeling like I didn’t need to learn anymore. That it was something wrong with my body. While I was right in regards to my body – and am feeling a bit more energy since I started taking iron – I was wrong in thinking that I could sit back and stop learning.

Even if it involves doing something that annoys me.

Though I must confess, it’s not nearly as annoying as it used to be…

But don’t tell The Bloke. He’ll just say, “I told you so.”

(Just kidding. He’s not like that.)

While it hasn’t been as long as I thought since I last posted, it has certainly been a while.

Problems started around mid-month when I started getting exhausted with the half an hour of exercise every morning. Given it was gentle exercise, I became quite depressed and got a first class ticket on the ‘what’s wrong with me’ train.

After a few frustrating appointments, a few frustrating doctors and some blood tests, I’m back on the right track.

As it turns out, I’m skirting but still not stepping into diabetes territory – thank goodness. My vitamin D is low (which doesn’t surprise me, seeing as I skipped supplements for a while before the test to make sure I got a real reading). And, for the first time in my life, my iron is low, which is likely the cause of my exhaustion.

I’ve finally gotten started with the local program that will get me on my feet in all ways. There are classes about pain management (yay aching knees and ankles thanks to weight), stress management groups, a dietician and even some gym time for me. Not to mention a new psychologist who covered a heap of things in the first session. I also managed to find a good GP that doesn’t buy into BMI, understands that PCOS is a real condition and who puts an emphasis on balanced eating.

For so long I have struggled, tripped, gotten up again just to trip later down the line. Always I have wondered what was wrong with me that I couldn’t just keep going. As it turns out, my GP slapped me across the face with it:

“You can’t keep doing this alone.”

While I have never been truly alone, it occurs to me now (in a ‘duh’ kind of moment) that I haven’t set up a proper ‘team’ for myself in the past. Not only friends who know what I’m going through but the kind of professional sort I need. Partly, I must admit, because I’m not all that keen on taking care of myself and have always seen getting all that support as playing into the victim mentality. But now I see that it’s not wrong to need a lot of hands to hold.

Today I’m back to square one, but I don’t mind being here. I started with exercise, I’m starting up the supplements, I got a new hair cut to make me feel good and even a new notebook for tracking things (the GP said that the dietician will want a food diary, so I may as well start one).

Another start. It may not be the last. But then again, it just might be.

A day or two before New Year’s Eve, I read my horroscope. Basically it said that it’s not the date that is important, it’s what you start on a date. The funny thing about that horroscope is that I read it a few days after deciding that I had no reason to wait for 2012 to start doing things.

Significant dates are lovely when they work for you, but the general consensus seems to be that new year resolutions are there to be broken. I like significant dates as much as the next person (hello Mondays!), but I also have no patience.

So, on Christmas when the Bloke traded me his phone (because I “will have far more use for it than me” he said), I perused apps to help me keep on track.

I found Noom, which is the one I’ve stuck with since trying out a couple others. It keeps track of weight, has a food diary function and does all sorts of things including GPS tracking for workouts. It’s not everything I want (what about water?), but it works. And I started on Christmas.

Also before 2012 started, I discovered that making my own Christmas cards was really good for my headspace. I hadn’t done anything crafty for a long time, and it felt so good! So now I’m rockin’ some craft time in my schedule*. I just finished up two small homemade Smashbooks for friends.

I have plans for a couple more – including one for me! (Go figure, making something nice for myself…)

*I mentioned a schedule didn’t I?

Well, after listening to the Bloke have a discussion with a pub owner on New Year’s Eve about the failings of many modern parents, it hit me that I’m glad I haven’t had children at this point in my life.

Yep. That’s right. Glad.

It finally hit me that I have not ever been ready to be a parent. I don’t stick to things, I can’t keep to a schedule, and I don’t take proper care of myself. A baby is not just something you can get bored with. It’s for life.

Now, I’m not here bashing myself. I’m accpeting who I have been up to this point so I can make changes to become the person I want to be.

So I’ve started a schedule. It’s currently flexible because I don’t know everything that works for me. For instance, I’ve already figured out that I need to move writing time to the afternoon because I’m just not ready for that kind of thing right after exercise. And yay, I’m exercising!

I suppose that this year isn’t about making or breaking resolutions so much as it is about proving to myself that I can put in the work necessary to be who I want to be.

Day one nearly done. A lifetime to go…

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
*Moved more than a kilometre in Australia (haha)
*Had the pets outnumber the humans
*Published a novel

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
*Probably not. I don’t really remember what they were in the first place.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
*I don’t know about ‘close’, but people I know gave birth. Plenty of bubs for the year. No one I know in person, though…

4. Did anyone close to you die?
*Not as far as I know.

5. What countries did you visit?
*Just Australia, this year.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
*Better self-control. There are plenty of things I would like to do, but they require sticking to a schedule – something I’m not the best at.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
*February 4th, when we moved into the place we’re renting now. It was absolutely stinking hot and humid. By the time we were in, we just put the mattress on the floor in the kitchen because that’s where the aircon is and fell asleep.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
*Publishing my novel – Echo Falls.

9. What was your biggest failure?
*Letting my weight gain so much. A large part of the initial gain was moving into a place without a working oven/stove, but I had plenty of time to correct that.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
*YES. Ugh. The flu that didn’t leave me be for nearly two months and ended off with a particularly strong ear infection. Not fun.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
*Copies of my book. Haha. Other than that… I don’t think I actually bought anything noteworthy.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
*My husband’s. As always, he’s stood strong by me while I’ve dealt with things.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
*Turn on the news. Pick some names.

14. Where did most of your money go? 
*Honestly? Food and drink. Isn’t that where it usually goes?

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
*Publishing my novel. (I promise I’ll only mention it sixteen more times.) Getting our first dog… and getting our second dog when it became obvious Brin needed a companion.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
*I honestly don’t know. I don’t listen to a heap of music.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Calmer, which is the more important for me
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter.
c) richer or poorer? About the same, I think. A little less in debt from paying a year’s worth of student loan payments, so I guess that would make me richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
*Exercise (haha – but seriously…)

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
*Mucking about wasting time. Doing little things that end up taking so much time like playing Facebook games or pressing the snooze button on my alarm.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
*Having fun. Driving around a bit, making homemade pizza, movie marathon – all with the husband.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
*No, but I stayed in love, which is just as important these days.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
*I can’t really say. I didn’t stick to any particular one for very long when I did watch television.

24. What was the best book you read?
*The Hunger Games series.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
*A minor. Just kidding. No great discoveries.

26. What did you want and get?
*A lot of stationary/scrapbooking supplies.

27. What did you want and not get?
*A lottery win.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
*I don’t keep up with movies, so I couldn’t really say…

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
*I turned 25 this year and had a night at a pizza place with a mate who has a birthday close to mine – with all our friends, of course.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
*Not having to deal with the flu.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
*Confused.

32. What kept you sane?
*Deep breathing.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
*None.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
*Occupy Wall Street

35. Who did you miss?
*No one specifically.

36. Who was the best new person you met? 
*Missy! She was like insta-friend and it’s been great ever since.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
*That it’s okay to admit you need help.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
*If you’re wrong in all the right ways. – Raise Your Glass – Pink

This week I have hormones on the brain and, apparently, coursing through my body.

I have PCOS, which basically means everything is harder. Feeling good, feeling happy, getting (and staying) fit, losing weight and makin’ babies. I went into the doctor yesterday not only to get to know a new female doctor I’ll be seeing but also to discuss some problems I’ve been having lately.

From headaches to cramps to annoyingly super sensitive nipples, I have been scoring better than a hormonal trifecta over the past two weeks. While these signs might be happy little warning flags to many women, for me, it’s just another reminder that my hormones are out of wack and I’m not doing enough to set them straight.

Thankfully the hormone gods have granted me some reprieve. While I’m usually a sweet-tooth kind of woman 100%, I have been totally digging the salt lately. While I have to be careful about getting too much of that as well, I’m just glad not to be desperate for chocolate or other sweet things.

So if I’m a little grumpy this week, blame my hormones. I do.

Unfortunately, the onset of so many things at the same time has my doctor directing me to go back on the pill. There are a lot of reasons why I don’t want to go back on the pill, but whether I do or not depends on how much longer I can tolerate what’s happening to me…

Hanlie tagged me with this a week ago. I’m running a little late on everything, it seems.

So, seven things about me…

1. I haven’t eaten McDonalds since before I moved to Australia. And I’m proud of it.

2. I have had lucid dreams, and they were amazing.

3. I absolutely adore dancing but shy away from classes because I am self-conscious about getting sweaty.

4. I always thought I should have a great ability to draw. Sadly, it seems my brother got all of the talent in drawing.

5. I get Christmas in July syndrome when the weather is dreary and I feel the need to bake cookies.

6. I have a black thumb. I’ve even killed ivy.

7. I’m an artist at heart. Besides writing books, I like embroidery, zine making, scrapbooking, painting and card making.

If you read this, consider yourself tagged. Don’t forget to leave the link here.

The most unfortunate thing about weight – for me – is that it’s easy to ignore. I grew up being overweight. This is my ‘normal’ mode. Sure, when I lost a bunch of weight and could do all sorts of fun things, that was amazing.

Of course, being back to where I am now, that is easy to ignore, too.

I’ve definitely been in ‘ignorance is bliss’ mode lately with ignoring how much I’ve been drinking (yay, depression!), justifying or just not paying attention to the occasional sweets and not giving myself pause when I had the urge to eat everything in the house.

But after so many months without a period, feeling the difficulties that come with being this weight and having other things happening that I talked about in the password protected post, I woke up this morning that I had to pop my little ignorance button and face the music.

Hello, new highest weight.

While I could argue that it has been fun not having to do all the things involved with taking care of myself, much more of it hasn’t been fun. Like shaving my legs (and having my belly to contend with), walking the dogs (and getting so easily tired), seeing my husband worry about me but not saying anything for risk of an emotional response from me…

It’s not good. It’s not fun.

I’m slowly killing myself.

The good news is that, at this point in my life, I have tried enough things to know what works. What are those things?

*Keeping a food diary.
*Going 100% or as close to 100% raw as I can.
*Exercising in the morning.

It’s a short list, but heck if it down’t make a big difference.

I’ve resisted the urge to ‘start with a clean slate’ (more on that later) and am merely dusting off my food diary and breaking out my exercise clothes. I’m working with someone who is helping me to find out what options I have locally in both exercise groups and someone who works with eating disorders.

I refuse to say what I always say in the past because that just leads me to feeling like I am in a pass/fail situation, which can only lead to stress.

My life is no longer about win/lose or pass/fail. My life is about doing. And what I’m doing at the moment is cleaning up my act.

Again.

Ah, the Big Sigh.

The Big Sigh is what I do when I know that things have to change, but I am not sure what to do to change them. This oh so glorious sigh comes with the knowledge that I love doing everything I’m doing, but I am certainly doing way too much.

I know by the number of unread blog posts in my feed reader, large gaps between posts on my blogs, the stress eating I want to do and the run down/cranky feeling I have most of the time that there is way too much happening here.

Usually my solution is to cut things, and that’s what I’ve done several times in the past. But when your answer is always to cut things, you usually end up with a handful of things you really, really like doing/participating in/etc.

Cutting it down from there? Ugh.

The problem is that I have things I want to add in but haven’t managed to do on a consistent basis. Like exercise, puppy training, preparing for whatever will come through the disability employment agency (which could include anything from doctor’s appointments to classes to joining a workout group).

Who would have thought that someone who spends so much time at home could end up feeling like there is so little time during the day.

The good news is that The Bloke is now in a position where he can leave his 9-5 to work from home. I know this means still keeping regular hours, but it’s fewer hours for more pay. Plus, it means setting up a new routine for the both of us that will include things like daily exercise and eating more meals together.

I know that this blog has taken some sort of hazy turn since I decided I wanted to refocus, but that’s because I’m a little hazy about where I am going. I want to live a less stressed life, but I’m still sorting out how to do that.

Stay tuned for clarity.

*EDIT: Rather than scrap this template, I’m just removing some of the pictures. Sigh.

I published my latest ebook. (On Amazon)

Poor Asimov got sick for a while but mother’s intuition helped me catch it early, so he didn’t have a lot of down time.

We welcomed Zenna into our family. She has been a big source of my time (well) spent. She’s a ridgeback crossed with a mastiff and, though she loves to learn, she needs a lot of training because she’s very independent.

Brin and Zenna get along very well, but they’re still trying to sort out their roles in our new family.

Phew. And there’s more…

I met with my ‘case worker’ for the first time last week and things are moving along very fast. As uneasy as I feel about how I would be in a work environment (without The Bloke there), my case worker seems confident that I have plenty to offer. He didn’t even bat an eye at my inability to work a job that has anything to do with phones.

One more reason I love Australia; they’re really helping me to become a functioning worker in society.

I also signed up for NaNoWriMo and will be getting started on the second, as of yet unnamed, Echo Falls novel.

And just when you think that there can’t be any more… I’ll also be on my online tour for Echo Falls through most of November and the first two weeks of December.

This is the point at which I keel over unconscious. I hit all this at the right time – a manic swing – so I am getting a lot done. But I feel the exhaustion looming and am trying to slow myself down rather than crash to a halt.

I’ve always been one for crashing… Haha.

In good news, despite all the busy, I’m feeling great. Things are going well, I feel well and truly settled in Bendigo and things are looking up for creating a well-rounded life.

Now if I could just remember to eat brekkie and lunch, that would be good…