Taking advantage of the sunshine of late, I decided to hop in the car when The Bloke went to work and to walk home. It added to 3ks exactly. And, of course, Brin loved it.

Yesterday, I decided to bring along the camera, though I only took the picture of Brin and a couple pictures of the fountain in the centre of the city.

Unfortunately, the walk has proved too much. Even after just a couple mornings, muscles in both my legs were (and still are) too incredibly sore to go for another walk this morning.

The Bloke thinks that the suddenness and the severity of the pain is thanks to the chiropractor straightening things out and me using muscles correctly for once.

This irks me to no end in the ‘binge exerciser’ way, but the calmer, more patient me knows that this is just a new thing to deal with. I’ll have to do more upper body work until my legs can do more.

Sigh. Oooommmm.

Start: 277
Current: 274

Loss: 3 pounds

Yep, riding steady this week – but only in weight.

This weekend The Bloke and I trekked up to a national park to do some bush bashing and rock climbing. Da-yum did that ever push me physically. It was a steep climb up (the views make it so worth it) and thus a step climb down.

The interesting part of the trek was how if influenced me emotionally. I knew something was challenging me on an emotional level on the way up because I had that ‘tears may be welling up in your near future’ feeling. I tried to ignore it, but you know how that goes…

On the way back down, my husband was walking in front of me (because stairs/steep declines make me nervous) and at one point I just sat down and cried. I couldn’t hold it back any longer.

My wonderful husband is used to these kind of things and was very caring about it. He had me look back up at the mountain to see how far I’d gone, was enouraging, reminded me that the climb was the hardest test of physical endurance that I’d had at this weight… (Have I mentioned my husband is made of pure essence of awesome with a dash of charming?)

Once I’d cried myself out, which didn’t take long, I began to think about my reaction and a great big, shining light bulb went on over my head. I finally connected enough of the dots to understand why I don’t like really hard exercise and rebel against anything that pushes my limits physically:

Weakness.

When I was a little girl, I was constantly on guard. I had to be careful what I said and did, to say the least. I didn’t know I was ‘on guard’ all of the time because that was my normal. But I can look back now and see that I was always ready to run or fight.

Because of this, when I exercise and push myself now, I put my body into a weakened state. Exhaustion is hell on my emotional mind because my ‘little girl’ side hasn’t caught up with the fact that I am well and truly safe now; no one is going to hurt me. So when I was going back down the mountain and felt out of breath, wobbly knees and sore, part of me was aboslutely convinced that I was leaving myself open to attack.

It’s a hard thing to realise because I know there are things that happened to me that I don’t yet remember. But recognizing how I am reacting to other things because of them has been a huge step for me. I have been exercising off and on for years – hard exercising – and it’s taken me this long to figure this out.

Even so, I am proud. I am proud of the woman I have become, able to finally connect those dots. I am also proud of the little girl I was (and partly still am) who, despite everything, had the will and the strength to survive.

I make it no secret that exercise is my Achilles heel. I have done incredibly strict (and sometimes unhealthy) things to my body via diet in the name of losing weight, but when it comes to moving my generous booty in order to lose the weight…

I few months ago when I had started some hardcore (for me) exercising (yet again) and ended up hurting myself (yet again), my husband sighed and called me a ‘binge exerciser’. He said I kept starting too big and ended up hurting myself in the process. Having a rotated tailbone certainly doesn’t make for easy exercise, but it does call for a bit of caution. Caution I apparently never bothered to have.

The term ‘binge exerciser’ struck me like a slap across the face. As a recovering binge eater, it didn’t occur to me that I ‘binged’ with anything else – certainly not exercise of all things.

But I saw the truth in what he said. I never was one for baby steps, yet taking things with baby steps is essential to setting up long lasting habits. What I didn’t realise is that they are essential for more than one reason.

It’s obvious I need to move more, but it is also more than obvious that my movements need to fit where I am physically. I’d love to go for hour long runs and half-hours on the elliptical, but let’s face facts: I have a rotated tailbone, slack muschles and a body that is used to a sedentary lifestyle.

I need to start small.

I think the first order of business (besides going to a chiropractor because my hip has been hurting something fierce lately) is getting a pedometer. I know I’m not getting the recommended 10,000 steps a day (not by a long shot) so if I can just start with that, I’ll be doing heaps better than I am now. Plus, it’ll be gentle on my heart until I have the tests to show that everything is right as rain.

These shoes were made for walking…

Thought it turned out to be not quite the walkabout I had envisioned for myself thanks to a few work things, I did manage to stick to my plan and get out and about on Monday. I walked all afternoon!

While I am all for the walkabout with no particular direction, destination or path, I was very pleased to find out that there is a trail that goes straight through town. This trail is over 17kms long, goes both north and south of where I live and the trail goes right by the house.

I don’t think it gets much better. But then again, it did.

I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect autumn day with sunshine, cool breezes and plenty of wonderful autumn colours to see.

Once I’d been on the path for a while, most of the traffic and industrial sounds disappeared. All the pleasant memories of travel around Australia came washing back with the sounds and even smells of bush Australia. Though it wasn’t quite bush, even after a few ks of walking, it was close enough for me. I haven’t felt so good in such a long time.

I meant to stick with the ‘no destination’ attitude, but once I caught sight of ‘botanical gardens’ on a directional sign, I knew exactly where I wanted (maybe even needed) to go. I absolutely adore botanical gardens, and though I was hot, sweaty and tired by the time I’d gotten there, it was so worth it…

It was so beautiful. I could have stayed there all afternoon. As it was, I sat down for a lunch of an apple and carrots with hummus, enjoyed the laughter of the kids playing in the playground at the gardens and wrote for a while. I honestly did debate staying there for the afternoon, but something in me wanted to make it there and back on my own. I knew I’d have wanderings that would just keep going in the future, but my adventure for this day wouldn’t be complete without making it back.

All up, I walked over 7kms (thanks in part to a rest at the lake before meeting up with the Bloke for our usual evening walk with Brin). I know it was about everything but distance, but I still wanted to see. And that’s not too shabby for a woman who is in the worst shape of her life. Not too shabby at all.

Today is only day three of my new exercise regime and I am incredibly sore. The combination of stretching, yoga, cardio and weights has me hitting pretty much all of my muscles.

The weird thing is most muscles recover quite well. As in, I don’t feel too much of the soreness until I go to do the exercises again. I’m not sure that is a good thing, but I’m taking it that way. I’m sore enough with the other places (especially right above my boobs and just inside the shoulder area on my chest – ow!) to be grateful for any reprieve.

Another strange thing is that I’m already noticing a change in my mood. I know exercise is a good mood enhancer, but I didn’t expect it to work this quickly! I know it’s partially because I’m teaching myself that even day two or day three in a row is something to be very proud of. But there’s more to it.

I’m not going to question. I’m just going to smile…

The best thing about all this exercise? Well, it should be my feelings of pride and all that good stuff, but it isn’t. Not right now, anyway. The best part right now is that I am enjoying the best nights’ sleeps I have had in weeks. I hit the pillow and I am out into deep, blissful sleep.

Sleep problems have been a pain in my arse for most of the month until this week. I knew exercise would be the trick that switched things around. Unfortunately, I need to go to sleep earlier because I’m so exhausted, but it doesn’t matter. I’m sleeping well!

Things are good. Very good. I’m going to make it this time.

I am always excited about starting something new, but when it comes to my body and the difficulties of the past fortnight, I am being careful not to think of getting back on the horse as starting over.

Exercise is difficult right now, as the pain, doctors and such have pushed me past my stress limit. Get me past that limit and my body shuts down to the point of making things like just doing the laundry and walking down to the shops very tiring. The good news is that, as much as I get tired out by little things, I’m recovering from that tired faster and faster every day.

Once again I am grateful for my Wii Fit, as I can use it as the energy strikes (which would be difficult with a gym or even with walking given Melbourne’s ever-changing weather moods).

I’ve gotten my next set of three months of birth control, and I am using that as a goal to really make a dent in the weight loss and fitness levels. I want to get off birth control (I hate the idea of artificial hormones) and I’m hoping that the end of this prescription can mean the end forever.

I’m now taking milk thistle and have ordered some raspberry leaf tea to try out in an effort to help my lady parts sort themselves out naturally. The very fact that I have an ovarian cyst means my system is waking up (my system pretty much just did nothing for a long time), and I want to take this opportunity to do what I can to treat it right.

So I’m not starting over so much as adjusting while my body adjusts to things.

And the adjustments are focusing not only toward a healthier me but towards a healthier environment for future bubs…

I’m here! I’m here!

There have been so many times I have sat down with the intention of posting here and at my other blogs, and I have just been way too exhausted. How things are so, so busy even though I’m off work this week, I don’t know…

I’m still getting up about an hour and a half earlier than I usually do every morning to exercise. I am so darned proud of myself! A solid hour of exercise every morning has been hard, but the pride and confidence that I get from doing with it and sticking with it (even if it hasn’t been quite two weeks yet) has made me feel amazing.

While my chiropractor was able to do amazing things with my ankle to alleviate pain, it’s still just not strong enough for a walk every morning (unless I want to limp home on the second day, which is no fun at all I can tell you from experience), so I’m alternating my walking days right now. On the opposite days, I’m doing a solid hour of…

Yep, my old friend. Wii Fit!

The first morning I opted for an hour of Wii Fit, I felt bad. I was sure I was cheating somehow, even though I was determined to do the same amount of time a walk would take, and even though I knew that I had to give my ankle some rest lest I damage it severely. So I did the hour and wow!

As it turns out, the Wii Fit is a more intense workout than the walking by heaps. I know that’s because there is only so much I can push walking because of my ankle, but still. Wow. I was really impressed and finally got shot with the clue gun that Wii Fit is like anything else – you get out of it what you put into it. And I have been putting some hardcore workout time into it.

While some people might not ever pair ‘hardcore’ with ‘Wii Fit’, I do because by the time I am done, I am exhausted, drenched with sweat and puffing. Woohoo!

I am so happy about this because it means that I don’t have to walk on rainy mornings if I don’t want to, and I can strengthen my ankle up slowly while still getting the amount of exercise I want. While my weight is still bobbing around, the past couple of days have showed definite losses. Happy, happy!

So I have the exercise, now I just have to get the eating and the mentality up to par.

When I think about it being day 23 of dedicating myself to my health and well-being, I can’t help but smile. The time has flown so fast, and I’ve already had ups and downs with the making of new friends and adding in social occasions. But I feel so good! I feel like I have started the habits of a lifetime rather than just another ‘new diet’.

I have added on another component to my lifestyle. Even though it feels weird to say that on day two, I feel proud just to have started. Exercise and I haven’t had the best of relationships in the past, but things are going well. Even if it is just day two.

That’s me! I wanted to take a picture on day one, but I was waiting on a replacement camera after mine bit the fuzz. This isn’t a great pic by any means, but it features me with my essentials: bandanna to keep my hair back, mp3 player currently set to The Fry Chronicles by Stephen Fry, my sunnies and a loose jumper over my t-shirt.

Today I definitely walked four kilometres, as The Bloke dropped me off a little further away. That started my walk with a hill, which set my ankle off a little. I’m thinking of wrapping it up to make it a little sturdier until the muscle builds up.

All in all, I feel like I’m on the right track and I like how things are going – slowly but surely. I’m not sure if I’ll ever like getting up so early in the morning, but it really does work best for me to exercise first thing.

Things are looking up.

Today I got up about two hours earlier than I am used to – which, in and of itself is pretty huge because I am not a morning person – so my husband could drop me off on his way to work. With my sunnies on, my hair pulled back and my audiobook of The Fry Chronicles by Stephen Fry in my mp3 player, I set off.

I didn’t miss the irony of the universe when – completely unknown to me – Fry started his biography talking about his addiction to sugar and what it did to him. He swiftly went from an intelligent man I like to listen to, to a comrade in arms who has struggled as I do with this sweet-laden society.

Unlike music, which – after years of marching band – forces me to walk the tempo of whatever song is on, having an audiobook on engages my mind in a way that let’s me walk at a truly beginner’s pace while engaging my mind to the point I can mostly ignore breathlessness, soreness and sweat.

In one hour and two minutes I walked somewhere between 3.5 and 4 kilometres (somewhere between just over 2 and 2.5 miles) nonstop. I’m feeling quite chuffed about both the distance and the amount of time it took. An hour seems to perfectly… perfect and the distance challenges me without leaving me feeling like a worn out bicycle tire.

I know this is the first day of many, but taking that first step is so incredibly important that it is worth celebrating.

I already have my first goal, too. The Bloke has promised me that if I keep up with my walking routine with no exceptions for a month, I get to go in and have shoes fitted to me (something we’ve seen advertised on tele for athletes).

Overall, this is a very happy start. I hope to have my replacement camera with me soon so I can take pictures of the walk.

I read in a book once that using laziness as a reason for not exercising isn’t actually a reason at all. That’s because saying you don’t exercise because you’re lazy is circular reasoning. You don’t exercise because you’re lazy. You’re lazy because you don’t exercise. An excuse for an excuse for an excuse…

The statement really struck me because I’d become convinced that I was just plain lazy and that’s all there was too it. I would have to get past my lazy ways if I ever wanted to exercise.

The book went on to say that not wanting to exercise has a lot less to do with laziness and everything to do with why you don’t like exercise.

Those healthy maintainers among us have learned to love exercise. The sweat, the heart pounding, the exhaustion. To them, it’s a high. For the rest of us, it’s unpleasant, and something you may not even realise is keeping you from exercise could be the root of your so-called laziness.

To figure out the real reasons I don’t like exercise, I did what any logical person would do: I exercised. What better way to find out?

The first thing that struck me when I paid attention to where my discomfort was springing from (the first thing that made me slow down) was breathlessness. I hate being breathless. It makes me feel like I’m suffocating. I can’t even handle having my head all the way under the blankets because the air gets stuffy and I feel like I’m suffocating.

Ding, ding, ding! Reason number one.

Reason number two is a bit more complicated: Sweating.

I like sweating. I love working so hard that my bra and shirt are soaked through, getting so gross that I have to take a shower no matter how exhausted I am because I wouldn’t dare touch my dirty skin or clothes to the bedsheets. (And I imagined I smelled, too.)

But I also don’t like sweating. Sweating any less than what I described above is uncomfortable for me. Why? I sweat when I get nervous. I’m a big girl, so I sweat doing things other people don’t sweat doing. And, of course, the good ol’ ‘girls don’t sweat’ routine some of us grew up with.

So, sweating a little and breathlessness.

Knowing the real reasons behind my ‘laziness’ made me finally feel like I could tackle exercise. Sure, I have a long way to go, but working to get past or around uncomfortable things is something to work on rather than simply a forever label like laziness that keeps you from even trying.

When I was just lazy, I couldn’t do anything but make myself feel guilty for being such a lazy person.

Now I can do breathing exercises to help and work out less fast but longer. Working out longer will help me to sweat more, to get me past that ‘feeling a little yucky’ threshold to the ‘I’m so sweaty because I worked damn hard!’ feeling.

Little steps…