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Food for Thought

There are times when I sit back and wonder how I managed to survive growing up in the States. I was addicted to processed food, the Easy Mac queen, and the microwave was my best friend. Crisps and cheese dip from a can were the regular additions to movie nights. I rarely drank water, instead opting for some power drink or soda.

I drank a lot of milk, though. At least there is that.

I loved my fish fingers and my microwave soup. Cheese from a spray can was always fun, loading up a single Ritz cracker with a mountain of the orange stuff. It’s hard to believe I had any standards, but I never could get used to scalloped potatoes from a box.

Last night as I cooked chicken souvlaki with fresh garlic, onion and chicken fillets from the butcher, I felt sad that I couldn’t have made something a little more elaborate for dinner. More flavours, perhaps, or a little more variety in the meal than just a souvlaki.

‘Just’ a souvlaki.

I caught myself mid-thought and gave myself a hearty mental slap. Just a souvlaki? When I lived in the US, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you what a souvlaki was, much less actually make you one. It’s as if, in that moment, my standards for myself had flown through the roof and I’d forgotten how much I’ve grown over the past nearly four years.

Since moving to Australia and, without transition, converting my diet to fresh food and heaps of water (and experiencing what I call ‘The Great Australian Detox’ for it), my world has changed. Food has become my art and my passion. Creating a beautiful meal is like the thrill of creating a new world of fiction for a novel. For me, a meal is a combination of not just flavours but also of colour, arrangement, texture and the love I put into it.

A lot has changed since spray cheese in a can.

I work with a handicap as well. I have only one functional sinus and a very lacking sense of smell because of it. But I have never let that stop me from pursuing my passion.

Call it a higher power, fate or simply good luck, but I believe I was meant to come to Melbourne. The café culture and amazing assortment of international cuisines waiting to be tasted inspire me in a way nothing else can. I proudly bear the label of foodie and have even become a little bit of a food snob, to be honest. I have a rule to try everything once and have found it to be a good way to live life as well as experience food.

Food fascinates me and Melbourne is my new playground. Margaret Fulton is my main teacher through her encyclopaedia of cookery, but the city is filled with many mentors. I’ve done my native born Australian friends proud by making ANZAC bikkies like gram used to make, lovely lamingtons and even a mint slice or two. I think I’ll always be known for my brownies, though.

Recently a friend and I had a brief chat about how far I have come in the short time I have been here, and how I’ll have a great autobiography to write some decades down the road. Honestly, I think I will, too. For now, though, I will be enjoying being the equivalent of a four year old in the Melbourne food world with everything new, fresh and exciting.

And I’ll stop being so hard on myself about the souvlaki.

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The Rolling Stone

You know you’re fat when your cat doesn’t think your belly is ‘stable ground’ enough for him to put is paw on it to lean down and get a drink of water.

(This is six-month-old Asimov in his harness, wandering around in all his bathwater-drinking glory.)

Heehee.

I’m back from the conference and feeling great. Cheeky, even. And thanks to dehydration during the conference, a full two kilos heavier than my last weigh in. Whoops! Not really. I’ve been sculling water like a champ since I got back, so I know that is where most of the gain has come from.

The conference was fabulous! I had so much fun. If you want to check out some brief conference notes, go here. Otherwise, I’m going to prattle on about it in regards to health here.

Going to this five day conference has left me more aware than ever how fat I am. This isn’t a bad thing! I promise. I’m sitting here with a smirk on my face.

See? Just took that. (How much am I so rocking the fringe?)

Anyway, yes. The conference left me with a new found awareness of just how fat I am, but this is so far from a bad thing. I became aware of my body not because I got easily puffed, struggled with walking all over the convention centre, got sick during or after the convention because none of that happened. Not one bit. In fact, my Mr. Healthy as a Horse husband is the one who spent the weekend sick. I’m still sitting her gobsmacked that I am completely healthy after the running around, late nights, so on and so forth.

As backward as it sounds, it is the lack of all those things happening that made me more aware of my physical body. I have realised that I am one of those healthy fat people. I’m doing well, get tired out only so much as my weight makes me do so rather than any weight associated illness makes it happen, I get sick less than my husband (this is a hell freezing over kind of event, people!) and I can keep up my energy at things like five day long conferences.

I’m fat… but I’m pretty sure the only reason I’m fat is me. (Work with me here…) There is no illness to blame. No injuries. No system malfunctions with the ol’ body. Just me. Me and my mental/emotional reasons for keeping the weight on.

For a long time, I didn’t want to lose weight (I realise, now that I look back) because weight made me feel safe. Being pretty was dangerous – or so I had convinced myself.

But after my recent quarter-life crisis and after this conference making me see that I have been holding onto this weight, I am now ready to move on. Life is amazing and I want to live it as a healthy, sexy woman. I’m tired of hiding and being safe. I am the woman who moved across the world with one bag and a laptop at twenty years old. I won’t let that be the most amazing moment of my life.

I can do anything. And so I shall.

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Starting at the End

Cammy (yes, frequent source of inspiration) recently posted about visualizing what she and life would be like while maintaining a healthier lifestyle at a healthier weight. Starting at the end helped her to make the small changes she needed to get there.

I can attest to the positive things this kind of visualization can create. By looking at my goal, I already know that I am going to be more active. I am also going to cook more often and visit the shops for fresh ingredients more often. I’ll also still be eating pasta. :)

Looking at things as a lifestyle has still continued to help me since I first talked about it. The biggest difference would have to be not getting so down on myself about mistakes. Oh, I feel really full, which means I ate too much. That kind of thing used to throw me into a depression where I criticized myself until I got distracted by something else. Now? I just remember that I don’t need to eat that much at dinner because I am satisfied with less.

I have a writer’s conference coming up this week. While it is only about five days (two of which I’ll be eating at least one meal at home anyway), I am a little nervous about eating. But, unlike before, it’s only a little nervous. This is perfect practice for healthy social eating (and drinking!), so I’m excited to see how I go.

All in all, I’m reeking of positivity most of the time. That’s a bit strange for me…

:P

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It’s a Lifestyle

After thinking long and hard about what works for me when it comes to keeping a healthier life, I realised that one of the things I needed to change was my approach.

As much as I always told myself that every start was my step towards a healthier life, I never considered the step itself to be part of the life. The diet to get to the better life, right? Well, that’s wrong. And it’s finally gotten through to my squishy brain.

You see, I started meal replacements combined with cutting down sweets and carbs along with cutting down portion sizes and adding in exercise. While this sounds like heaps, it’s actually not. I’m taking it tippy toe style, and it’s making a difference.

You see, when you see the changes you make as lifestyle changes (forever changes) rather than temporary (diet) changes, things look a lot better.

When you make it a lifestyle progression:

*A ‘screw up’ isn’t that bad because it’s a blip on the radar that’s going to be going for years to come.
*A ‘screw up’ becomes an opportunity to do things better next time because a lifestyle doesn’t have the pass/fail mentality that a diet does.
*Small losses are not ‘I’m just glad I didn’t gain’, they become incredibly awesome. When you’re on a diet you want to lose weight fast because, underneath it all, there is a ‘how much longer do I have to do this’ feeling. When it’s your lifestyle, it’ll be forever, so any loss is simply a positive.
*When you’re planning for a better lifestyle, you learn to find what works rather than what will get you through.

It’s taken me a long time to finally get to the point where I can view the healthy changes I’m making as forever changes. I’m still a little new to the concept and am finding my footing so I don’t a) slip back into diet mentality or b) use it as an excuse to indulge.

Even though I’ve lost a small amount so far, I know this is the way to go. Not just because I’ve lost weight but because my mood hasn’t been this good for a long time.

Slowly but surely.

Checking In – Happy Birthday to Me

Yep, that’s right; it’s my birthday. Hehe. And I’m feeling pretty damn good.

After a fortnight or so of flu, I finally got out of the ‘everything will be right’ fog denial and got back on the Wii Fit on Monday. Wow. Yep. Gained some weight. Now being closer to my starting weight of 264 than to my ‘I’m finally feeling good about me!’ weight of 220 was a shocker. I should have known it was coming, given how little I’ve been doing lately, but it still had me upset.

But then I changed my mind.

I knew I had to do something, as you do when you have ‘that’ moment of looking at the scale, shaking your head and knowing you don’t want to go back ‘there’. I don’t want to. I didn’t realize how truly good I felt at 220 until I gained some of the weight back. Now I get ovary twinges again, my hip isn’t happy with me, and I feel fat in a way I didn’t at 220. Needless to say I haven’t worn a pair of my regular jeans in a while, instead opting for what I have that’s a bit bigger.

Instead of melting into a puddle and forcing myself to get my act together because I had to, I decided that wasn’t the way to go. After all, hadn’t I started all my changes that way? Out of fear? Out of being upset? I decided that this time would be different.

I would start my new lifestyle out of a good place.

The first thing I did was get out of the house and into the sunshine. Then I walked to the shops and got a haircut. Gasp! I now have fringe/bangs! Layers! Fluffy hair I actually do stuff with instead of putting up in a clip every day!

The universe was definitely backing me up on the ‘starting from a positive’. The haircut was free because they had a newbie on. The meal replacement bars I like because I have a hard time eating during the day were on sale! For half off! A saleswoman saw me with the boxes in my arms and stopped by to give me a pep talk, wishing me the best.

So what could have been a horrid, horrid day full of “I have to do this” became a day of “I want to do this”. I even found some excellent books at the library that focus on the emotional components of eating rather than diets.

I started this all on Monday. Because I knew that I didn’t want to start on my birthday. By the time my birthday came, I needed to be doing something about my health. It sounds weird to me even now, but I couldn’t start another year of starts. I needed to start a year already doing something. And so I have.

Good stuff.

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