Naturally Curvy

Today as my husband and I were talking, I mentioned that I was doing well with sticking to the meal replacement shakes and bars. I told him that I would have one for breakfast and wouldn’t feel hungry until the afternoon.

He congratulated me and then asked, “So are you going to tell me how much you weigh?”

I laughed and said no. “I’ll tell you how much I gained when I get back to where I was before I gained it.” (220 pounds)

Slightly concerned, he asked, “Will you at least tell me if you’ve gained back more than half of what you lost?”

“Oh, heavens no!” I said. “Definitely not. I’ve gained a bit, but definitely not that much.”

After telling him that, I felt as if a weight had lifted from my shoulders. Sure, I hadn’t told him the exact number, but looking at it from the perspective he was – gaining back half the weight would be cause for big concern – I realized that the world was far from as gloomy as I had been seeing it. Yes, I’ve gained, but it’s not that bad.

For the first time in a while, I’m not feeling in the absolute dredges about my weight. The bloke and I had a long conversation about how we both need to get fit and healthy. We’re going to set up an exercise area in our lounge so we have a dedicated space, and we’re going to dedicate time to exercising with each other.

If we can stick to that, we’ll be getting a Wii and Wii Fit so we can do more exercise together. I told him that it’s about time we admit we’re introverts who spend a lot of time indoors, so why not get exercise help that caters to our personality?

A Wii is definitely motivation enough for me to stick to things, so I’m excited to get going. Finally, things are starting to look up!

I’m afraid I don’t have any numbers for you today. I completely forgot to step on the scale today.

Mostly, I forgot because we’re still unpacking. It is a culling of stuff as well as unpacking, so everything gets a little more consideration than it would usually.

As I get rid of stuff the Bloke and I no longer need, I think about the influence of weight in my life and how – as a young woman – I ‘needed’ the weight. I needed it to feel safe because, in my mind, only pretty girls were in danger of negative behaviour from men. I needed food because it was the only thing (until I discovered writing) that comforted me through the abuse I didn’t understand and couldn’t define.

I look at the things that used to comforted me, that I used to love, that I kept simply because someone I care about gave it to me… and I feel better for being rid of them. They were things that no longer had a purpose for the life and person I want to be. I understand why I kept them, but now it’s time to let them go.

And it’s also time to let the weight go.

I now have wonderful things like books, baths (I wasn’t allowed to take them without permission as a child – permission rarely granted) and a wonderful husband to comfort me when I need it. I am a grown woman who can defend herself. I have access to plenty of healthy, delicious food as well as exercise equipment.

Now I just have to put the old habits out with the old things.

Starting Weight: 264
Last Week: 230
This Week: 230

This past week, I have reaped what I sowed with too much good-but-rich foods and not enough fresh fruit and vege. Pairing that up with the stress of moving landed me with a pretty sever cold/flu thing that knocked the energy right out of me. Of course, I didn’t do myself any favours, and pushed to keep working and packing.

As you can imagine, that has just made things last longer.

Thankfully, I’m feeling a bit more human today. My chest and the back of my neck are still sore and I’m sneezing a heap, but that’s about the worst of it today. I’m trying to take it easy, but I’m freaking out a little bit over all the things left to do before we move.

Since this post, things have gotten better mental-health wise. But, I’m still leaving the door open for the possibility of going to the doctor for medication. I’ve decided to leave it off until we have moved (I’m in no danger of self-harm) just in case the stress of that is what is keeping me pushed over the line.

Thankfully, support from Cammy and Jenera has helped me immensely. (Thank you, awesome ladies!)

I’ve come to realize that the part of my journey to better health that is missing – that I need to have if I’m going to progress anymore – is consistent exercise. I’m good with the exercise bit, just not the consistency. Right now I am letting myself recover from the illness and counting packing/moving stuff as exercise. However, when we’re settled in at the new place, I am going to start exercising consistently. I have to.

I’ve babbled on a lot more than I thought I would today, but that’s what blogging is for, isn’t it? If anyone is still reading this site anymore, I do hope with all my heart that you are doing well.

Starting: 264
Last Week: 230
Current: 230

I find it interesting that the very things we set up to help ourselves – like blogs – are the first things we tend to give up when we get depressed.

Is it the feeling of lack of self-worth? Are we ashamed to admit that things aren’t going well? Are we so lacking in self-confidence that we think we will be a bother if we ‘complain’ about things on the very space we set up to do so?

For me, I don’t like admitting that I’m not happy. I don’t like bringing other people down, so I’d rather try to suck it up than admit to tough times. Even though I know other people have been through my tough times. Even though I know people here would/will support me. Even though I know people will understand.

Yet, it is my habit to withdraw and not ‘burden’ other people.

The difference today is that now I’m pissed. I’m angry at myself for believing in such bullshit. This is my space that I set up to help me and to not use it as such is just bullshit.

So it goes like this.

I’ve eaten a lot. I’ve eaten when I wasn’t hungry because that’s what I do when I’m depressed. The difference this time is that I’m not deriving any comfort out of it. (Newsflash: Yeah, food did make me feel better.) The fact that my ‘tried and true’ comfort mechanism isn’t working has left me feeling lost and helped to continue the feelings of melancholy.

I refuse to gain any more weight back, though. I can’t. If I do, I’ve lost everything I’ve fought for and I know I’ll go back to a dark place in my mind that I do not want to go to again.

I’m going back on the meal replacement stuff until I feel like I have regained control of my eating. I won’t do things quite as strictly as last time and will allow myself whatever raw fruits and veggies I want. But that’s it.

I may not be in a good place mentally, but that doesn’t mean I can’t take back control of my eating. It doesn’t make me feel better anymore anyway, so I may as well ditch the habit.

Hopefully this will be the exact thing I need to start feeling better.

Starting: 264
Last week: 226
Current: 230

*sigh* Blame Time of Month.