I think it was Hanlie who first introduced me to the concept of havaing a team working together for my health. She opened the idea in my mind of having different professionals in different areas all coming together to help make me strong physically, mentally and emotionally.

While I didn’t take the concept to heart straight away, I am reminded of it now because I think that’s what we all need to do in our own way eventually. Everyone’s story is different and thus we will have different teams consisting of different kinds of people, but it’s having the support there that matters.

For me, creating my team started with establishing a base line to work with. I was having palpitations, my chest hurt, I was so tired and I was getting really scared. So I sat down with a GP, told him I was worried about my weight and proceeded to get pretty much everything checked out. His role in my team is slowly fading out as I am now sure of where I’m standing and losing weight.

The next person to come in on my team is my chiropractor. After a few nights where I had difficulty pretty much all the time because my hip hurt so much, I saw a chiro who made a lot of things clear to me. The first being that the fact my hips have been twisted up for pretty much all my life is directly related to my reproductive system being perfectly healthy but numb (aka non-functioning). With the nerves being pressed on, my ‘lady parts’ have never been getting the proper signals.

No wonder I’ve never had steady periods. Ever.

I would never have thought that a chiropractor could help with my fetility, but he is. It’s slowly going, but I’m getting kicks to my system. I might just get to be healthy after all.

The next members of my team came together. Another GP is overseeing my medication. Now, I don’t like to admit this because I’ve always liked the idea of being a ‘pure and natural woman’ (natural remedies only), but I was getting to such a dark place in my life that I finally admitted that I needed help. Right now, on top of my supplements, I am taking a anti-depressants. While I’m not sure they are a long-term solution for me by any means, they are helping me through now – which is what is important. I’m not glowing or – as my friend Nichol put it – ‘overly joyous’, but I am mellowing out. I’m in a more stable place than I was. It remains to be seen what happens when I’ve been taking the meds for a bit longer.

He ^ referred me to the psychologist I’m seeing. As I mentioned before, a psychologist wasn’t my first choice. BUT, he seems like a really nice guy and just being able to talk about things is amazing. He doesn’t mind The Bloke sitting in, which gives him two perspectives of my behaviour and my past. I don’t know what will come of it, but I’m looking forward to see where it will go.

Of course, The Bloke has always been on my team and has been incredibly supportive through all of this. He has put away his personal feelings about anti-depressants and psychologists in order for me to be able to try to find what works for me. That means more to me than I can say, and I think it speaks of the foundation we’re both setting up for the future.

Go team.

Anger is something I’ve never been particularly comfortable with. I’ve always been upset by people yelling. Anger somehow became so connected with violence in my mind and scared me so much that I dedicated myself to being a pacifist… when I was about nine years old. I’ve had my times of being so angry, but I always resorted to something ‘not quite anger’ to make it tolerable. Guilt, shame, hurt… Those I could deal with. But outright anger is something I never wanted to be a part of me.

So, you can imagine my surprise when I started working on the emotional component of my journey to health (thanks to the BED workbook) and discovered anger. A lot of anger.

Because anger was so scary to me from an early age, it has been easy for me to compartmentalise it, putting it somewhere in my mind where I didn’t have to deal with it. But, as most of us overeaters know, you have to weight that can of anger (or fear/sadness/whatever it is for you) down with food. If you don’t ‘swallow’ your emotions with a heap of food, they might come out when you don’t want to.

Well, the BED workbook is partly about opening those cans of worms so we don’t need all that food to weigh down on the tops of the cans. And my can of anger? It’s a big one.

A lot of my anger comes with a helping of wanting to play the blame game. I blame my mother for introducing me to yo-yo dieting (specifically the ‘for tomorrow we diet’ binge). I blame various family members for the abuses inflicted upon me. I blame the church I went to as a child for teaching me that pride was a sin because I could never be happy with my accomplishments. I blame myself for not standing up for myself and loving myself and doing what I know is right for me even when the world tells me I’m wrong.

This list of blame probably sounds a bit whiny and petty to some, but I have gotten past thinking of it like that. Yes, it’s petty in some respects, but this is stuff I have been purposely not feeling for years. I’m not going to let society’s feelings on what’s ‘right’ to feel and what’s ‘wrong’ to feel stop me from feeling these things and thus purging them from my system.

Yes, groan, another woman who has mother issues. My mother abused me mentally, physically and emotionally my whole life. By being angry at her now, I can move past it to get over it.

I am moving past it. I am getting over it. I am letting go and my soul feels beautiful and light.