Cammy (yes, frequent source of inspiration) recently posted about visualizing what she and life would be like while maintaining a healthier lifestyle at a healthier weight. Starting at the end helped her to make the small changes she needed to get there.

I can attest to the positive things this kind of visualization can create. By looking at my goal, I already know that I am going to be more active. I am also going to cook more often and visit the shops for fresh ingredients more often. I’ll also still be eating pasta.

Looking at things as a lifestyle has still continued to help me since I first talked about it. The biggest difference would have to be not getting so down on myself about mistakes. Oh, I feel really full, which means I ate too much. That kind of thing used to throw me into a depression where I criticized myself until I got distracted by something else. Now? I just remember that I don’t need to eat that much at dinner because I am satisfied with less.

I have a writer’s conference coming up this week. While it is only about five days (two of which I’ll be eating at least one meal at home anyway), I am a little nervous about eating. But, unlike before, it’s only a little nervous. This is perfect practice for healthy social eating (and drinking!), so I’m excited to see how I go.

All in all, I’m reeking of positivity most of the time. That’s a bit strange for me…

After thinking long and hard about what works for me when it comes to keeping a healthier life, I realised that one of the things I needed to change was my approach.

As much as I always told myself that every start was my step towards a healthier life, I never considered the step itself to be part of the life. The diet to get to the better life, right? Well, that’s wrong. And it’s finally gotten through to my squishy brain.

You see, I started meal replacements combined with cutting down sweets and carbs along with cutting down portion sizes and adding in exercise. While this sounds like heaps, it’s actually not. I’m taking it tippy toe style, and it’s making a difference.

You see, when you see the changes you make as lifestyle changes (forever changes) rather than temporary (diet) changes, things look a lot better.

When you make it a lifestyle progression:

*A ‘screw up’ isn’t that bad because it’s a blip on the radar that’s going to be going for years to come.
*A ‘screw up’ becomes an opportunity to do things better next time because a lifestyle doesn’t have the pass/fail mentality that a diet does.
*Small losses are not ‘I’m just glad I didn’t gain’, they become incredibly awesome. When you’re on a diet you want to lose weight fast because, underneath it all, there is a ‘how much longer do I have to do this’ feeling. When it’s your lifestyle, it’ll be forever, so any loss is simply a positive.
*When you’re planning for a better lifestyle, you learn to find what works rather than what will get you through.

It’s taken me a long time to finally get to the point where I can view the healthy changes I’m making as forever changes. I’m still a little new to the concept and am finding my footing so I don’t a) slip back into diet mentality or b) use it as an excuse to indulge.

Even though I’ve lost a small amount so far, I know this is the way to go. Not just because I’ve lost weight but because my mood hasn’t been this good for a long time.

Slowly but surely.

Yep, that’s right; it’s my birthday. Hehe. And I’m feeling pretty damn good.

After a fortnight or so of flu, I finally got out of the ‘everything will be right’ fog denial and got back on the Wii Fit on Monday. Wow. Yep. Gained some weight. Now being closer to my starting weight of 264 than to my ‘I’m finally feeling good about me!’ weight of 220 was a shocker. I should have known it was coming, given how little I’ve been doing lately, but it still had me upset.

But then I changed my mind.

I knew I had to do something, as you do when you have ‘that’ moment of looking at the scale, shaking your head and knowing you don’t want to go back ‘there’. I don’t want to. I didn’t realize how truly good I felt at 220 until I gained some of the weight back. Now I get ovary twinges again, my hip isn’t happy with me, and I feel fat in a way I didn’t at 220. Needless to say I haven’t worn a pair of my regular jeans in a while, instead opting for what I have that’s a bit bigger.

Instead of melting into a puddle and forcing myself to get my act together because I had to, I decided that wasn’t the way to go. After all, hadn’t I started all my changes that way? Out of fear? Out of being upset? I decided that this time would be different.

I would start my new lifestyle out of a good place.

The first thing I did was get out of the house and into the sunshine. Then I walked to the shops and got a haircut. Gasp! I now have fringe/bangs! Layers! Fluffy hair I actually do stuff with instead of putting up in a clip every day!

The universe was definitely backing me up on the ‘starting from a positive’. The haircut was free because they had a newbie on. The meal replacement bars I like because I have a hard time eating during the day were on sale! For half off! A saleswoman saw me with the boxes in my arms and stopped by to give me a pep talk, wishing me the best.

So what could have been a horrid, horrid day full of “I have to do this” became a day of “I want to do this”. I even found some excellent books at the library that focus on the emotional components of eating rather than diets.

I started this all on Monday. Because I knew that I didn’t want to start on my birthday. By the time my birthday came, I needed to be doing something about my health. It sounds weird to me even now, but I couldn’t start another year of starts. I needed to start a year already doing something. And so I have.

Good stuff.

I had my last day of antibiotics today and the virus still seems alive and well, having moved into my throat glands. I don’t have a sore throat (thank goodness) but the glands (you know – where doctors always feel just on the underside of your jaw bone) hurt. Fun, fun. I’m supposed to go back to the doctor if I’m not well by the time the antibiotics are done, but I think I’ll leave it a few days to see what happens.

This has been one nasty virus, that’s for sure. Thankfully The Bloke seems right as rain now after having taken his round of antibiotics.

Of course, with all this happening, I haven’t been doing well at all on the exercise and focus on healthy eating. We’ve mostly been eating Japanese, which is much better than many alternatives, but I’m missing veggies.

Thankfully the brain fog from all this is lifting off a bit, so we’ll be cooking at home more often again.

Meh.

In the end, on or off the wagon doesn’t matter so long as you’re on the path.

That is all.

Well, not really, but I won’t be posting much until I’m feeling more human.

This past week and some has certainly been quite the emotional time for me, both in good and bad ways. Between the revelations from the photo project and the emotional trauma of having to confess a binge to my husband, I’m left feeling a little raw.

I declared ‘house arrest’ on myself – just for today – because I know there are only healthy things for me to eat. As Jenera said, you do so well for an amount of time, and then (if you are a binge eater) this feeling of panic overwhelms you to the point you stop thinking and want to eat everything you can get your hands on. Having healthy food – and only healthy food – at least negates eating too much of the nasty stuff.

‘House arrest’ is probably not the best thing to call it, but I’m basically not going anywhere I may be tempted by less healthy food.

I was upset that I had to do this for myself at first, but as The Bloke stated, at least I am recognizing the need and avoiding temptations.

I’m finding that I’m becoming increasingly frustrated with the lack of books and papers on binge eating disorder. I feel like if I could understand more about the disorder, I could better handle what I go through.

I know it has only somewhat recently been recognized as a mental illness, but surely there should be something. At least one book out there that could help me understand.

If anyone has any recommended reading on the subject, please let me know.

I couldn’t find my memory card reader for a bit, so this one is going up late. I figure this will work as a check-in, too.

Well, day two didn’t go at all as planned, to be sure. It was one of those days where you make a tiny decision, and then it just keeps adding on…

The day started off with my usual smoothie. I love smoothies, even in winter. Oh, wait, I think I said that yesterday…

Okay, so this is the one where you find out I was never one of those people who couldn’t have the foods touching each other. This may not look the greatest, but it tasted of pure awesome. Five bean mix (just beans, not baked beans or packed with crap), the other half of the snack can of tuna, a spoon of cottage cheese and some spinach leaves in there for some greens. Yum-o!

Meet my kryptonite – and we’re not even talking coffee. For a while, I was having a large chai latte every day. Of course that’s no good, so I cut way back. Recently, I would have one large chai once every fortnight (if that). Now, I’ve cut back again and only drink regular size every once in a while for a treat.

This is where the story starts, though. I had a rough day and wanted a glass of wine. Just one. Alcohol is something I’m cutting back as well. So we agree, we’ll go to the pub for once glass of wine for me and one something of The Bloke’s choice. Then we head back home.

Well, as it turns out, one of our favourite barmen is going to be leaving soon, and we were having such a good conversation…

…we stayed for dinner.

Pub food again, but this time I was a bit better. I got a smaller parma and asked for a ‘double salad’ instead of salad and chips. That was all fine and well, it was about eight, we were about to go home…

Then some old friends we hadn’t seen for a while showed up.

I had one of these and then had water for the rest of the night, which is pretty good in my book because we didn’t leave until eleven!

The night was completely unexpected, but a lot of fun. I hate to have gone out two nights in a row, but some days you just can’t beat a good conversation with friends.

I got some comments on taking pictures of all my food, and then I explained the project. Everyone was quite impressed and we talked for at least an hour about food habits (I’m a half-way grazer, one friend was a total grazer, my husband is more one big brekkie and he’s set for the day and the other guy is more like me). I’m still quite excited about the visual food diary, even though I know difficult times are ahead as far as temptation goes…

Before I settled down to write this post, I went to the kitchen to take the macadamia nuts out of the oven. I’m making honey-roasted nuts – yet again – because they are usually so time consuming that I don’t even have the sweets craving I’m after by the time I’m done making them, and with mostly honey and good fats (in the nuts) I can halfway convince myself they are an okay treat to have.

I walk into the kitchen and see a mug on the bench: instant soup waiting for the hot water to be poured in. I know instant soups have a heap of salt, so I only allow myself one when it’s really bloody cold (like today) and I have a lot of work to do (like today). The only thing is, for a moment, I don’t remember preparing it.

My memory quickly comes back to me, but that moment wakes me up to the fact that I would have been much better off standing in front of the heater for a few moments rather than drink a cup of vegetable-flavoured salt soup. I wasn’t hungry; I was cold. But I went for food. As always.

This week I decided to start a journal of sorts. I hate food journals and can never keep going with them, so I decided on a journal with a schedule and a ‘rough’ menu to go by. Then the rest of the page is for what I am thinking each night.

I’ve already had amazing epiphanies just being honest with myself, like how I work myself into paranoia about my relationship to self-sabotage when I’ve been doing well with healthy eating. Or how I use food as a ‘barrier’ against my depression.

Or like today with realising that I eat not only when I’m emotional but when I’m physically uncomfortable as well.

I don’t like these truths about myself, but I’m now seeing just how much the odds were stacked against me when I was trying to lose weight without facing the emotional and mental muck that goes along with it. I thought I was, but I didn’t want to get ‘dirty’.

Well, I’m done with ‘clean thinking’ and have found myself to be more ready than I thought for the muck. I’m not looking forward to what else I find, but wow, it feels amazing just to acknowledge myself – for better or worse.

Another week, another check in.

The emotional upheaval the basically caused me to completely lose my appetite has passed, and the waters are once again calm. However, I am using what I learned and going with it in terms of recognizing when I am hungry versus when I want to eat for x reason.

I feel like I am in a better place emotionally than I was just a couple weeks ago, which is good. The Bloke and I are heading to Tasmania for a couple days (I’m tagging along on his work trip) and there will be a lot of opportunities for indulgence that I am planning on avoiding.

Given that, I probably won’t be posting until Friday Funny…

Have a great week!

I am someone who looks for causes in life. If something happens, I want to know the how and why of it. Oh, the pain under my ribs. Phantom pains from my non-existent gallbladder. (Yeah, you get phantom pain even after it is removed.) Oh, I react with anger when someone teases me about being dumb because I grew up with people telling me that I had no common sense.

Physical, psychological… I want to know what’s going on, which, as you can imagine, often leads to frustration.

After a particularly depressing weekend, I had something happen that has never happened before. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m an emotional eater. I understand the biology and psychology of that. I most often go for dark chocolate (because darker actually has some health benefits) or just overeat.

This weekend? I lost my appetite.

I think only overweight people – especially people who binge/emotional eat – will understand how big of a deal this is to me. I never lose my appetite. I’ll eat when I’m not hungry because I “should” have breakfast or “should” have dinner. I’ll eat when I’m feeling down or just because I planned the meal earlier. The more upset I get, the more inclined I am to damage myself through food.

So you can imagine my shock when I hit a point of upset that made my appetite disappear.

It’s now Tuesday and I’ve regained some interest in food. A little bit. But for the most part? Nada. I’d rather not.

I don’t know if this is a good thing because hey, not eating crap when I feel like crap! Maybe it’s a sign of growing emotional maturity that I’m not turning to food. Or maybe it’s a bad thing because losing appetite is a classic symptom of depression…

Right now, I’m just going to take it to be a good thing. If I’m not hungry, why eat?