Start: 277
Current: 272

Loss: 5 pounds

(No change)

The revelations keep happening this week, and I only wish my weight could reflect that. I feel like things are being lifted from me as I discover, and that is a beautiful feeling.

Okay, I’ll back up.

Having realised last week just how much fear rules my life, I have begun to notice and nullify my anxiety. I recognise the fear, assess it and often am able to get rid of it just like that. Beautiful, eh?

However, as anxiety goes, people who are used to high levels of stress will often find ways to stress themselves if the environment does not present stressful situations. But the more I acknowledge and assess, the more general the fears get because all the specific situations are being taken care of.

The night before last I found myself having a hard time getting to sleep and I suddenly felt an incredible fear about the next day. Seriously, it was so general that it was, “Oh God, tomorrow is an entirely new day I have to face.”

While I’m sure that is a legitimate fear for other people, I laughed. My mind was so utterly desperate for something to be scared about that it noted I was about to go to sleep and thus the sun would come up tomorrow.

The horror.

I am laughing about it now, but that’s only because I see what my mind is doing. My brain, my psyche, my soul doesn’t know how to exist without stress and fear. To be without them is to be letting my guard down and opening myself to threat. But that’s just not true and I don’t want to live my life like that. I want to be able to have that one day – even if it’s only one day – without fear.

The unfortunate side with all this awareness and assessment is that the things my subconscious is throwing at me are not always as funny as being afraid of facing a new day. I repeatedly almost had meltdowns at the shops yesterday because I was buying myself things (I still have a hard time spending money on myself, but I’m getting past that) and I was feeling tempted by sweets. But those meltdowns were being caused by feelings that were so old that I thought I had dealt with.

Lo and behold, my subconscious is willing to throw anything at me to get me back to where I was.

But I am not bloody going back. I won’t do it. I am here. I am being healthy, I am getting healthy. In mind, body and spirit.

Let’s just hope that my subconscious doesn’t have any really big rocks to throw at me.

Start: 277
Current: 272

Loss: 5 pounds

(No change)

No change, and I’m okay with that.

I went to see my naturopath this weekend, and I’m thinking that I should ditch my psychologist and just start booking double-appointments with her. I swear we only meet to chat and check in… Haha. This is okay because it is bulk-billed. I’m so happy for that because I really enjoy talking with her.

Even if she thinks I’m a challenge.

Yep. At our appointment, she – very gently – said I was a challenge and things would be difficult. Yet, rather than wilting under such a proclaimation, I found it refreshing. It’s not easy to hear, but I felt like she was not only willing to help me but cared enough to be brutally honest with me.

We talked about my anxiety issues and did a simple drawing demonstration that really let me see that I live with fear – often severe – every day. She talked about how that’s not normal and that people are meant to be able to have entire days pass by without being fearful.

An entire day? No fear? Now that is an interesting concept.

So what we’re doing from here on out is taking everything very gently – as much as it irks my impatience. But the key, for me, is to feel safe in all I do or I won’t last in the long term. I need to feel safe with exercise, which means things I enjoy and things that are gentle enough to not cause injury. I need to feel safe in eating, which – at this point – means having dark chocolate on hand.

I feel a bit pathetic saying chocolate makes me feel safe, but I need to accept the adult my childhood has molded and try to work with it.

So I have a lot to think about this week and plenty to work on. I have a bit of a cold going on right now anyway, so I have plenty of thinking time.

How is everyone else doing?

Start: 277
Current: 272

Loss: 5 pounds

(No change)

After taking off a few days to celebrate my birthday without having to obsess about what was going in my mouth, I’m feeling a bit blah and headachey. I can’t help but wonder if this is what I felt like all the time and just didn’t realise it because it was my ‘normal’. Either way, I am in even more awe at the naturopath eating plan, which I am happily back on.

Having seen that I can lose a little bit every day just by taking on her diet selection suggestions, I have now decided to get back into exercising. The weather hasn’t been ideal for it, but I don’t want to wait for weather and the puppy is beyond excited to get a walk bright and early in the morning.

My husband now works three kilometres away from where we live, so I decided to go in to work with him and then to walk back home with the puppy. I was a little nervous, as the last time I started in on a walking routine my ankle played up big time, but today went well. I only got sore because I pushed myself too much on a hill at the beginning of the walk.

Puppy is happy, I am happy and husband is happy. The weird thing is that I’ve started these things so many times in the past that it wasn’t a big deal this time. I just started. No fuss, no big woo hoo – just walking.

I’m quite chuffed.

Start: 277
Current: 272

Loss: 5 pounds

Yay! Some loss!

Despite my best intentions, this place has become rather quiet. I hate that, too. I never want to give this place up; it’s a sanctuary of sorts. But when I get busy…

My time has been largely occupied with book-related things. Once Echo Falls was released and announced, I dug into revisions for my ebook for authors. I’m crossing fingers that I can get that finished tonight.

I need to retrain my focus back on my health, however. I can feel things slipping. Old habits, old emotions and old sabotaging behaviours have come into play. However, I am not meeting these things with dread and a sense of premature defeat. This time, I accept them as part of my defense mechanism.

I bought myself a nifty little journal that is specifically for food, exercise, water and etc tracking. Fight fire with fire, as they say. As much as I’ve always hated food tracking, it does keep up my levels of self-awareness.

Working with ‘my team’ has brought me a new appreciation of the person I know I can be. I know I’m a far way off, but the thing is, I’m further away with my mental health than my physical health. Just knowing that there is something I’m going to have to work longer to achieve makes it easier to accept the length of time it will take for me to get physically healthy.

While this is no bombshell to change the health world, it’s one more sliver placed correctly in this strange mosaic I’m coming to see as the woman I will be.

Start: 277
Current: 274

Loss: 3 pounds (no change)

After the great insights last week, maybe it only makes sense that I need a bit of down time to process. Or many it doesn’t. Either way, this was very much a head down, push through kind of week.

I saw a psychiatrist last week who confirmed the original diagnosis I was given when I was 19 and in the US. It came as a bit of a shock, to be honest. I’m not the greatest believer in the US medical system, so I figured there was a very good chance that the original diagnosis was wrong. That turns out not to be the case.

It shouldn’t have been a shock. I’ve always known I wasn’t quite as balanced as I could be. I’ve always made the best of it, though, and have refused medication ever since a particular med made me want to kill myself. But now, years later, I need to step back and reevaluate.

So this is me, keeping my head down, pushing through and trying to figure out what the heck I am going to do with myself. Keeping on trucking the way I am in this area might not be the best option anymore…

Start: 277
Current: 274

Loss: 3 pounds

Yep, riding steady this week – but only in weight.

This weekend The Bloke and I trekked up to a national park to do some bush bashing and rock climbing. Da-yum did that ever push me physically. It was a steep climb up (the views make it so worth it) and thus a step climb down.

The interesting part of the trek was how if influenced me emotionally. I knew something was challenging me on an emotional level on the way up because I had that ‘tears may be welling up in your near future’ feeling. I tried to ignore it, but you know how that goes…

On the way back down, my husband was walking in front of me (because stairs/steep declines make me nervous) and at one point I just sat down and cried. I couldn’t hold it back any longer.

My wonderful husband is used to these kind of things and was very caring about it. He had me look back up at the mountain to see how far I’d gone, was enouraging, reminded me that the climb was the hardest test of physical endurance that I’d had at this weight… (Have I mentioned my husband is made of pure essence of awesome with a dash of charming?)

Once I’d cried myself out, which didn’t take long, I began to think about my reaction and a great big, shining light bulb went on over my head. I finally connected enough of the dots to understand why I don’t like really hard exercise and rebel against anything that pushes my limits physically:

Weakness.

When I was a little girl, I was constantly on guard. I had to be careful what I said and did, to say the least. I didn’t know I was ‘on guard’ all of the time because that was my normal. But I can look back now and see that I was always ready to run or fight.

Because of this, when I exercise and push myself now, I put my body into a weakened state. Exhaustion is hell on my emotional mind because my ‘little girl’ side hasn’t caught up with the fact that I am well and truly safe now; no one is going to hurt me. So when I was going back down the mountain and felt out of breath, wobbly knees and sore, part of me was aboslutely convinced that I was leaving myself open to attack.

It’s a hard thing to realise because I know there are things that happened to me that I don’t yet remember. But recognizing how I am reacting to other things because of them has been a huge step for me. I have been exercising off and on for years – hard exercising – and it’s taken me this long to figure this out.

Even so, I am proud. I am proud of the woman I have become, able to finally connect those dots. I am also proud of the little girl I was (and partly still am) who, despite everything, had the will and the strength to survive.

It’s that time again.

Start: 277
Current: 274

Loss: 3 pounds

Okay, so I’m not going to break any record by my weight loss, but that’s okay with me.

Today I had my second meeting with my psychologist and told him that I would like to direct our focus not on just depression and anxiety because I feel they are partly symptoms of the big problem that has been a problem nearly all my life: my weight.

We talked about how I’ve well and truly wrapped myself around food. I have used it for comfort, to self-harm, to alleviate panic and so much more. Because of that, taking things slowly will be the way to go. As I unravel all these tightly wound issues, I will also be slowly losing the weight.

And so I am. The naturopath prescribed diet is going well. I am losing very small amounts of weight every day. I’ve had days here and there off the wagon (which is why I haven’t lost more), but I’m getting the hang of establishing the habits of a lifetime.

I’m cruising along…

I still have no idea what’s going on with this and now the site is down… but I will continue on. No reason not to.

No change this week. As in:

Start: 277
Current: 275

I am completely okay with that. I’m not even a week into the new eating plan my naturopath gave me (which is lovely, by the way) and my body is still getting used to things. My naturopath couldn’t stress enough that I have a sensitive system and thus had to take things very slowly so as not to stress anything.

I’m happy as a clam with everything (where does that saying come from? why are clams so happy?) because it is such a multifacited approach. She’s looking at the way I eat, the way I exercise (no more binge exercising!), the way I supplement (which is pretty good in her opinion), and the ways I relax.

The last on that bit was pretty much nil, so she has asked me to try some relaxation things – whatever I can stick with. She has also give The Bloke an assignment to help me to relax. Basically it all comes down to touch. He makes sure to take a couple minutes here and there to come over to rub my arms or my neck or my back.

It’s such a simple thing, but heck if my stress levels aren’t lowering.

I’m on a good track right now. I’m a bit wary of myself because I have a great record for screwing up any good track that I have been on. But this time I am seeing a psychologist, too. I know what I said about psychs before, but you have to take what you can get to bulk bill.

I’m not going to say what I usually say at the beginning of things looking good. I’m just going to say it’s a good day today. I hope you’re having a good one, too.

After some confusion thanks to my time zone, I thought I was out of the challenge. But I am very happy to say that I’m back in!

So far it’s…

Start: 277
Current: 275

Two pounds lost. I’m a little behind the game for this, but I’m okay with that. I’ve started taking regular walks and have seen the chiropractor so exercise is no longer so painful for my ankles and knees. I’m ready and rearing to go!

Well, it appeared I mucked up and have been dropped from this challenge. Sigh. I’d probably do well to join a challenge in my time zone so I don’t have to worry about getting things done at a certain time.

That’s probably okay anyway. I’m still holding steady in the no change zone, so I probably wouldn’t have made it anyway.

Start: 277
Current: 277

The good news is that I’ve had all my appointments now and things are looking okay for the most part. The results from the heart monitor pointed to me having a lot of stress and anxiety rather than anything actually wrong with my heart.

It all comes down to me having a fatty liver. The doctor didn’t say the exact words (because ‘overweight’ is more socially acceptable than ‘fat’) but he said: “You’re just fat.” That’s it. That’s the problem. No, “You’re fat and you now have diabetes”. No, “You’re fat and have a heart problem”. Just “You’re fat and you need to fix it before you get all the other problems.”

Go figure, eh?

I suppose I already sort of knew that on some level, but it’s good to have it medically confirmed that I’m ‘just fat’. It’s like being told that my life is just waiting there for me to go live it. There is nothing stopping me.

Well, nothing physically. I am still arranging help and care for the mental health side, but that’s another subject. Right now, I’m happy for the relief all this medical testing has given me. It wasn’t fun, but at least now I know.

So. I’m just fat. Okay. I can deal with that.