Starting: 264
Last Week: 230
Current: 230

I find it interesting that the very things we set up to help ourselves – like blogs – are the first things we tend to give up when we get depressed.

Is it the feeling of lack of self-worth? Are we ashamed to admit that things aren’t going well? Are we so lacking in self-confidence that we think we will be a bother if we ‘complain’ about things on the very space we set up to do so?

For me, I don’t like admitting that I’m not happy. I don’t like bringing other people down, so I’d rather try to suck it up than admit to tough times. Even though I know other people have been through my tough times. Even though I know people here would/will support me. Even though I know people will understand.

Yet, it is my habit to withdraw and not ‘burden’ other people.

The difference today is that now I’m pissed. I’m angry at myself for believing in such bullshit. This is my space that I set up to help me and to not use it as such is just bullshit.

So it goes like this.

I’ve eaten a lot. I’ve eaten when I wasn’t hungry because that’s what I do when I’m depressed. The difference this time is that I’m not deriving any comfort out of it. (Newsflash: Yeah, food did make me feel better.) The fact that my ‘tried and true’ comfort mechanism isn’t working has left me feeling lost and helped to continue the feelings of melancholy.

I refuse to gain any more weight back, though. I can’t. If I do, I’ve lost everything I’ve fought for and I know I’ll go back to a dark place in my mind that I do not want to go to again.

I’m going back on the meal replacement stuff until I feel like I have regained control of my eating. I won’t do things quite as strictly as last time and will allow myself whatever raw fruits and veggies I want. But that’s it.

I may not be in a good place mentally, but that doesn’t mean I can’t take back control of my eating. It doesn’t make me feel better anymore anyway, so I may as well ditch the habit.

Hopefully this will be the exact thing I need to start feeling better.