Naturally Curvy

Starting: 264
Last Week: 222
Current: 222

I’ve decided to stop using the abbreviations so people who pop in know what the heck I’m recording regardless of whether they are weight loss bloggers or not.

Well, no change for this week and, frankly, I don’t care. It’s Time of Month and – of course! – it has been quite an emotional week as well. I don’t want to get into the details of some of it because this is neither the time nor the place.

For the things concerning just me…

I had a great big FAIL with the challenge I set myself. I feel a bit pathetic that I couldn’t even last twelve days, but twenty years of using food for comfort isn’t going to disappear just like that. I’m continuing to acknowledge when I am using or want to use food for comfort. Right now I feel just doing this – even though it doesn’t always stop me – is a big accomplishment.

I’m refocusing my efforts on cutting carbs out of my life as much as possible. After having my gallbladder out, I lived pretty much on just bread for a while. This seemed to have reignited a carb frenzy and I have had way too much bread, pasta and rice lately. I’m getting back to the point where I am getting tired after eating, which a big freaking flashing neon sign on the road to prediabetes.

I kicked pre-diabetes’ ass once. I don’t want to have to do it again.

I am also moving back toward a natural diet consisting mainly of smoothies to help my liver out. My liver function was high after I had my surgery, so I want to give my liver (and the rest of my system) a break. It’s not a big deal – I don’t even have to get retested for a month – but I feel like I have been stressing out my system a little too much, too soon after surgery.

It’s frustrating to not be able to do the exercise I want to do (dance), but it is good to see that my gentler exercise and time of month aren’t doing anything bad on the scales.

I don’t understand why, but this cracks me up every time.

It began not as a decision but as a single acknowledgment.

I’m eating because I’m emotional.

The thought didn’t stop me. I still ate. But it did give me pause.

The next time it happened, I thought: I’m eating because I’m bored.

That time, it did stop me. I acknowledged that I wasn’t hungry, just bored. So I didn’t eat. Again, I didn’t think about it much past the acknowledgment and action.

What started out as such a small event has now snowballed into something I think about nearly every time I consider putting something in my mouth. Sometimes the thought stops me from eating, sometimes it doesn’t. The thoughts vary.

I’m eating because I want comfort.
I’m eating to punish myself. (I really dislike feeling full.)
I’m eating because it tears me up when The Bloke is feeling down and I can’t make him feel better.

I’m eating because I’m afraid.

More often than not lately, all of these thoughts have come together in a jelly mass of:

I’m eating because something is missing.

I live in a new country where I am safe, have a home, have enough to eat, have an amazing husband I love with every ounce of me, get to work doing what I love even though I don’t always make much…

What could possibly be missing?

That’s the question I am stuck with as I try to get past all the triggers that make me want to eat. It’s something I’ve had on my mind nearly constantly, sometimes depressing me and sometimes inspiring to get ‘out there’ and ‘do more’.

The more I have been thinking about it, the more I know that fear is what is keeping me from discovering what it is that I need to do to shake my dependence on food to try to fill that gap.

Perhaps I need to get out in the world and take some classes to meet new people.

Perhaps I need to join a club, day-travel more, get lost or do other things that make me nervous.

Or perhaps I need to stop worrying about whether people will believe me or whether I’ll cause trouble and finally do what I have been aching to do ever since I moved to Australia:

Stand on the rooftops and scream, “I left because I was being abused!”

Perhaps.

All I have at the moment is the knowledge that I eat because something is missing – and that missing part is clouded by a whole lotta fear.

I’m thinking about doing this when I get back from my trip (the 20th, I think).

Start: 264
Last Week: 218
Today: 222

The problem I have with challenges is that I often challenges myself to do things when it’s not the right time. A few days ago, I figured this would be a good idea:

1. Workout every morning.
2. Drink 1.5 litres (at least) of water every day.
3. Replace dinner with a meal replacement shake.

So, because of number one, I decided to give my new dance DVD a go.

Mistake.

Ow, ow, ow, ow. I tried out the DVD, and I have had annoying stabby pains around my abdomen since. Sleeping is even hard because I move around at night which hurts mah belleh.

The good news is that I said ‘workout’ for the challenge, not ‘do dance DVD’. So I have decided to cut out the tough woman act and obey doctor’s orders, and ‘workout’ will be translated to getting out of the house for a walk.

…At least my weight seems to have finally balanced out after the surgery. I had a twelve pound drop after, and now I’ve gained most of that back. While I wish I could have stayed at 214, I’m not berating myself. I had surgery, my body needed time to adjust.

And that’s that.

At least it has showed me that I can get down to 214. My next goal is 211 (20% body weight lost), so now I know I can get there. I just have to start taking care of myself properly.

Besides that, I have decided to track calories on SparkPeople for a while. This isn’t a challenge so much as just curiosity on my part. I’ve never been one for counting calories, but I can definitely check in at the end of the day to see how I’m going.

How is everyone else going?